Pierce Sharing Popcorn with his Momma

I hear babies crying

I'm wondering if my meds are making me worse instead of better.

On Tuesday I had a great day and that was after I hadn't taken my meds for a few days. Not on purpose, I legitimately forgot. Yesterday I took them with my lunch and last night I was feeling pretty sad. It also could've been the events of the day that had me feeling that way, though.

I've also noticed a new symptom of my PPD. I hear babies crying. Like, all the time. Sometimes it's an actual noise that I hear and misinterpret as a baby crying, like my cat meowing or someone outside yelling. Other times there is no noise at all, like when I'm in the shower. It's very unnerving and I'm definitely going to talk to someone about it.

It's Days Like These When I Feel Like Myself Again

Today we're having friends and their son over for dinner. We're babysitting their son for them so they can go out to a movie and have a night to themselves.

This is the first time in a LONG time that I have been motivated to do so much around the house. On Sunday I took a pork roast out of the freezer to defrost. Yesterday I roasted garlic (something I've never done before) to use as a rub on the roast. I also did two loads of laundry (even folded!) and scooped the kitty litter.

Today I've cleaned the entire bathroom: mirror, sink, counter, toilet & bathtub. I also swept and mopped the bathroom AND kitchen floors. AND I did all that while taking care of Pierce all by myself. Although I did sleep in until 9:30-ish this morning, so my husband took care of him then. Later I need to do some vacuuming and go to the grocery store. And writing something in my blog other than song lyrics is another accomplishment.

I feel like myself today. I feel...content. I wouldn't go so far as to say happy, but definitely content. And very proud. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I also know that I've come a long way from where I've been.

Whataya Want From Me?

By Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

(So hey) just don't give up
I'm workin it out
Please don't give in,
I won't let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, i won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

Have you ever felt like just running away?

That's the way I'm feeling right now. I just want to pack us up in the car and leave. Go. I can't really discuss what is making me feel this way, but it's one of those things where you have to do the right thing in the situation because it's the right thing to do. But you still fantasize about doing the wrong thing and wish and pray and hope and try to bargain for it to be the right thing.

I wish I could ignore what was "right" for once and do the wrong thing just because I wanted to.

Every mother should watch this video at least once!

I found this video on Facebook when one of my friends shared it. I watched it and immediately loved it! This is something that I feel like I should watch every morning before Pierce gets up for the day. There are some great things to keep in mind in this video. My personal favourite is "Nobody really knows what they're doing." That's a good thought to keep in mind for any situation, really.

So...if you could go back to tell yourself something before you had your first child what would it be? Mine would be, "Having postpartum depression doesn't make you a bad mom, or a bad person." and "As much as he is a gift to you, YOU are a gift to HIM!"

My turning point

The thing about having PPD and PPA is that they work together against you. Remember when you were in school and two bullies would team up, one would hold you down while the other one stole your lunch money? It's the same kind of thing.

My PPD is characterized by intrusive thoughts. My PPA is characterized by obsessively worrying about things. So, for instance I'll have an intrusive thought about something bad happening to my son (PPD), and then I'll obsess over it and replay it over and over again in my mind with the situation becoming worse and worse each time. (PPA)

I can remember when Pierce was little(er) I'd often think to myself, "I have PPD," but then I'd push that thought out of my mind. I didn't want to be sick. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my son and being a mother and I thought that if I didn't think about it, it would go away.

I remember my turning, point, though. I went to a baby-themed trade show in the city, about an hour drive away from home. I went with friends and we shared a ride. My anxiety was crazy that day, I think from being in such a crowded place. I get claustrophobic in situations like that.

We stayed the entire day and I was so glad to be leaving when we finally decided to. At this point, Pierce was still young so I had him in his travel system with the car seat on top of the stroller. I picked up the stroller and put him into the back of the van, tightened the seat belt around the car seat and we were ready to go. When we had been on the road for about 20 minutes, I noticed Pierce sitting up and that's when I realized that I hadn't strapped him into the car seat. I felt horrible and immediately buckled him in. And then I started thinking back to when I had lifted the car seat off of the stroller and how he wasn't buckled in then and easily could've just fallen out of the car seat onto the pavement. Then I thought about how horrible that would've been, if he had landed on the hard pavement like that. Then I replayed it in my mind except this time I saw him land hard on the ground. Then again, except this time he landed on his face. And again, he landed on his face and this time there was blood everywhere. And again, he landed on his face and there was blood everywhere and this time a car ran him over.

I was disgusted with myself and had to shout at myself in my head to stop it. I had to grip the seat I was sitting in to keep myself from thinking about it over and over again. This was not something I could just brush off and stop thinking about. I had to work to stop thinking about it. And that's when I finally realized and accepted the fact that this was not normal and that I needed help.

Around the same time Blair of Heir to Blair was posting about her trials with the same disease. I sent her an email and we chatted back and forth a bit. I expressed to her that I needed help but that I also worried that Children's Aid would come and take my child away. I'd rather suffer in silence than be without my baby. I started participating in #ppdchat and that's when I found unxpctdblessing and postpartumprogr and learned to ask my doctor about her disclosure policy before I told her what I'd been feeling.

So I did. I went to my doctor and told her that I had these awful thoughts, and she was so nice about it. She told me that it's more common than I thought and she sees a lot of women with the same issues. It was nice to hear that it was common, but I still felt awful, ashamed and embarrassed. I mean, what kind of mother thinks those things about their child? I worried that people would think I didn't love my son enough, or that I was lazy or stupid or wished that I had never had him. (It actually pained me to even type that just now.) NONE of those things are true of me and postpartum mood disorders are not characterized by these things, either. I love my son more than anything in the world and we have an amazing bond despite my disease. I'm not lazy or stupid and I could never wish him away. Yes I do need breaks from time to time, but that's normal. It makes me human. And in a time where I sometimes feel like an alien has taken over my body, it's nice to feel human again.