That's the way I feel a lot about Pierce. I feel like I am not worthy of him. I feel like he deserves a mom that's better than me. He is such an amazing boy. What did I do to deserve him? I don't know...probably nothing.
It's hard to feel this way and I don't know if my PPD contributes to it or if this is something that all mothers feel at one point in time or another. Or maybe I'm just crazy which, if you knew me, you'd agree is entirely possible.
That's another hard thing about having PPD. I don't know which feelings or thoughts considered "normal" and which are the disease talking. All I know is that I feel like he deserves more than me. Like I can never be enough for him. Like I'm not doing a good enough job as his mother.
But I do believe that we were meant for each other. Somewhere, somehow the Universe has it all planned out for us. Maybe he's here to make me a better person. Maybe I'm here to make him a better person?
I learn from him each day. About me. About him. About life. And maybe that's all the plan is after all.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sharing My Voice
Today I am over at The Nut House sharing my post about coming out with PPD. The Nut House is a blog run by Lisa, she refers to herself as Hazel Nut and her husband, Wall Nut. She has five children: Honey Nut, Wee Nut, Little Nut Nut, E Nut and Wing Nut. I love the creativity with the aliases she uses! I really wish I was that creative. This is coming from someone whose blog is called "Who I Am" really original, you can tell I put a lot of though into it. I actually did put a lot of thought into it, but if I had known that "Who I Am" was such a popular blog name, I would've chosen something different. But that is another blog post altogether and I am getting completely off track.
Today I'm featured at The Nut House. You can go read it here. I have to admit I was a little surprised when she introduced me as, "PPD Survivor Devon." I don't know that I'd refer to myself as a survivor. I mean, I suppose I am surviving, but some days it's just barely. And I am FAR from recovery. The word "survivor" kind of makes me sound like I'm an expert, and I don't want to give the wrong impression here, I am not an expert on much of anything, much less PPD. Anyway, I'll let the post speak for itself, go check it out and while you're there check out the rest of Lisa's site, too! There's some great reading as well as some great info on her blog!
Today I'm featured at The Nut House. You can go read it here. I have to admit I was a little surprised when she introduced me as, "PPD Survivor Devon." I don't know that I'd refer to myself as a survivor. I mean, I suppose I am surviving, but some days it's just barely. And I am FAR from recovery. The word "survivor" kind of makes me sound like I'm an expert, and I don't want to give the wrong impression here, I am not an expert on much of anything, much less PPD. Anyway, I'll let the post speak for itself, go check it out and while you're there check out the rest of Lisa's site, too! There's some great reading as well as some great info on her blog!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I can't believe I haven't done this yet!
So just before Kristin left we came up with the great idea to do a traveling pants type of thing, but with a scarf, which means it's completely different and there is no copyright infringement. (Here that, lawyers? None! If I say it, that makes it so.) We thought it would be a fun thing to blog about so we started a blog, http://thetravelingscarf.blogspot.com/.
If you read our About Us page you'll get all the background information on it and right now there are only 6 posts on the whole blog so it should be pretty easy for you to catch up on what's going on, if you want to.
Kristin and I hope you enjoy it!
If you read our About Us page you'll get all the background information on it and right now there are only 6 posts on the whole blog so it should be pretty easy for you to catch up on what's going on, if you want to.
Kristin and I hope you enjoy it!
Friday, November 5, 2010
I'm not going to lie...
...not having Kristin around sucks. Even when we text each other all day long, it's just not the same. But I think I am doing better without her around. Today is a week since she left and I can't believe it's only been that long. It seems like a lifetime.
On Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. Andrew said he was going to go to his parent's house to work the next day (he works from home but finds it easier to go somewhere quiet to work, like the library or his parent's house) and I started to panic. Any other day it would've been fine because I would've texted Kristin when I got up and we'd make a plan to hang out later that day. But I knew I couldn't do that. If I wanted to get out of the house it was going to have to be by myself, and I rarely go out by myself unless I have some specific errand to run. I also had a bunch of housework that needed to get done and I was feeling overwhelmed.
I texted Kristin and told her what was going on and luckily she stepped right in and took over. She calmed me down by telling me to make a plan by deciding what needed to be done and scheduling it. (I never actually wrote down a schedule for the day, but don't tell her that, okay?) Then she followed it up by texting me all throughout the day asking what I was doing, giving me ideas of what I could do next and cheering me on.
I know this sounds like she was holding my hand through housework and she was. I'm not going to deny it. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I freak out over things that others wouldn't. I've had anxiety all my life so PPA is not new to me, but each little anxious moment I have is as real as the first one I ever had. And sometimes I do need a little hand-holding and cheering on as I do laundry to push me to continue doing it and show me that I CAN do this without my husband home, and without my BFF here. Because some days all of this can seem a little daunting.
But yesterday, I kicked my house's ass. And I've got my boxing gloves on to do it again today.
On Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. Andrew said he was going to go to his parent's house to work the next day (he works from home but finds it easier to go somewhere quiet to work, like the library or his parent's house) and I started to panic. Any other day it would've been fine because I would've texted Kristin when I got up and we'd make a plan to hang out later that day. But I knew I couldn't do that. If I wanted to get out of the house it was going to have to be by myself, and I rarely go out by myself unless I have some specific errand to run. I also had a bunch of housework that needed to get done and I was feeling overwhelmed.
I texted Kristin and told her what was going on and luckily she stepped right in and took over. She calmed me down by telling me to make a plan by deciding what needed to be done and scheduling it. (I never actually wrote down a schedule for the day, but don't tell her that, okay?) Then she followed it up by texting me all throughout the day asking what I was doing, giving me ideas of what I could do next and cheering me on.
I know this sounds like she was holding my hand through housework and she was. I'm not going to deny it. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I freak out over things that others wouldn't. I've had anxiety all my life so PPA is not new to me, but each little anxious moment I have is as real as the first one I ever had. And sometimes I do need a little hand-holding and cheering on as I do laundry to push me to continue doing it and show me that I CAN do this without my husband home, and without my BFF here. Because some days all of this can seem a little daunting.
But yesterday, I kicked my house's ass. And I've got my boxing gloves on to do it again today.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
When You Lose Someone
I suppose I'm not really losing someone, but that's what it feels like. My BFF is moving over 3,000 kilometers away tomorrow morning.
I feel very differently about it at different times. Like right now, I feel accepting of it. I mean, I know she's moving because that's where her husband can find work and she wants to be with him. Of course, it's nice for their 2 year old son to be with him as well. He is, after all, his Daddy.
But other times I just wish I could stop it from happening. Like I'm having a really horrible nightmare and I'm trying to wake myself up from it, but nothing I do works. I want to crawl into bed and cry thinking about how I won't be able to just meet her at McDonald's when I need to get out of the house and eat junk food because Pierce is driving me up the wall. I won't always be able to call her to talk if I'm having an issue I need to work out. I know that she'll be there for me like she always has, but she won't really be there for me, you know?
And I'm not the type of person who has a billion friends. I'll be the first to admit that I don't get along with people very well. So for me to find someone like her is a pretty big deal. We're so exactly the same and I can't help but wonder what fate has in store for me with this. Maybe I'm being taught to branch out and be more accepting of other people because there isn't always going to be people who I can have the female equivalent of a bromance with? And I know, I know, this is not really about me, but I kind of feel like people come in and out of your life for a reason. I do not believe in God, but I believe in fate, if that makes sense. But that's a whole other blog post. I guess for right now I'm trying not to focus so much on how sad I am about the situation, but what I'm supposed to learn. And I think that's healthy, right?
Also, if you want to see how truly nerdy Kristin and I are, we've started a joint blog here. You should check out our awesomeness. Because we ooze it, even when we are 3,000 kms apart.
I feel very differently about it at different times. Like right now, I feel accepting of it. I mean, I know she's moving because that's where her husband can find work and she wants to be with him. Of course, it's nice for their 2 year old son to be with him as well. He is, after all, his Daddy.
But other times I just wish I could stop it from happening. Like I'm having a really horrible nightmare and I'm trying to wake myself up from it, but nothing I do works. I want to crawl into bed and cry thinking about how I won't be able to just meet her at McDonald's when I need to get out of the house and eat junk food because Pierce is driving me up the wall. I won't always be able to call her to talk if I'm having an issue I need to work out. I know that she'll be there for me like she always has, but she won't really be there for me, you know?
And I'm not the type of person who has a billion friends. I'll be the first to admit that I don't get along with people very well. So for me to find someone like her is a pretty big deal. We're so exactly the same and I can't help but wonder what fate has in store for me with this. Maybe I'm being taught to branch out and be more accepting of other people because there isn't always going to be people who I can have the female equivalent of a bromance with? And I know, I know, this is not really about me, but I kind of feel like people come in and out of your life for a reason. I do not believe in God, but I believe in fate, if that makes sense. But that's a whole other blog post. I guess for right now I'm trying not to focus so much on how sad I am about the situation, but what I'm supposed to learn. And I think that's healthy, right?
Also, if you want to see how truly nerdy Kristin and I are, we've started a joint blog here. You should check out our awesomeness. Because we ooze it, even when we are 3,000 kms apart.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I'm calling for a boycott on Marie Claire magazine
Due to an article published on October 25, 2010 by Maura Kelly.
If you haven't already read the article, let me give you the highlights here:
It's an article about whether or not overweight couples should kiss or make out in private to spare the rest of us seeing it. No, I'm not joking.
Some of my favourite lines from the article:
"Yes, anorexia is sick, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny. No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly (from the CBS sitcom of the same name) can be healthy."
Really, Maura? Are you really that uneducated? It is outrageous of you to compare these characters (who are played by real life people, by the way, and I bet they even have feelings, too, unlike you) to models. Part of a model's job is to make her body look a way in which clothing will be appealing to those who want to buy it. Society dictates that skinny is sexy. So models are skinny as part of their job. These people, who you are referring to as the characters they play in a sitcom for no other reason than to make yourself feel better about slamming them for the way their bodies look, I'm sure, are not employed by the fashion industry and therefore do not depend on their bodies to land jobs and make money. In fact, I would be willing to hazard a guess that their size has probably given them a lot of set backs in their lives because of judgmental people like you.
"So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room - just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."
Maura, I get more and more disgusted with you as I read your article. You are comparing an overweight person to a drunkard or a drug addict? You'd feel the same way about watching a sober overweight person walk across a room as you would about a drunk person doing the same thing, or a drug addict slumped over in a chair? Alcoholism and addiction are diseases. Not that I'm saying that obesity is 100% healthy because I know it's not. But this is like comparing apples to oranges. And let me remind you once again that the people who play these characters on tv are people, "in real life," too.
Maura goes on to say that she has friends who "could be called plump" and that she's "not some size-ist jerk." She says she knows that it can be difficult for "truly heavy people" to "psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down" because she's spoken to some guy at her gym about it. And then she gives us some words of wisdom regarding how to go about losing weight, which includes walking more. Really, Maura? After you say you feel uncomfortable watching an overweight person walk across a room you're going to tell them to walk more? Overweight people are just supposed to forget that there are judgmental people like you in the world who don't want to see them walking and walk anyways because you say so? No one is going to take your "YOU CAN DO IT!" seriously after reading the first part of your article. If you want to encourage people to lose weight being judgmental towards them is not the way to do it.
I'm calling for an apology from Maura Kelly for writing such filth and from Marie Claire for publishing it. Until then, I will not purchase a Marie Claire magazine and I urge all of my readers to do the same. Let's let Marie Claire know that we want to read articles about real things.
If you haven't already read the article, let me give you the highlights here:
It's an article about whether or not overweight couples should kiss or make out in private to spare the rest of us seeing it. No, I'm not joking.
Some of my favourite lines from the article:
"Yes, anorexia is sick, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny. No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly (from the CBS sitcom of the same name) can be healthy."
Really, Maura? Are you really that uneducated? It is outrageous of you to compare these characters (who are played by real life people, by the way, and I bet they even have feelings, too, unlike you) to models. Part of a model's job is to make her body look a way in which clothing will be appealing to those who want to buy it. Society dictates that skinny is sexy. So models are skinny as part of their job. These people, who you are referring to as the characters they play in a sitcom for no other reason than to make yourself feel better about slamming them for the way their bodies look, I'm sure, are not employed by the fashion industry and therefore do not depend on their bodies to land jobs and make money. In fact, I would be willing to hazard a guess that their size has probably given them a lot of set backs in their lives because of judgmental people like you.
"So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room - just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."
Maura, I get more and more disgusted with you as I read your article. You are comparing an overweight person to a drunkard or a drug addict? You'd feel the same way about watching a sober overweight person walk across a room as you would about a drunk person doing the same thing, or a drug addict slumped over in a chair? Alcoholism and addiction are diseases. Not that I'm saying that obesity is 100% healthy because I know it's not. But this is like comparing apples to oranges. And let me remind you once again that the people who play these characters on tv are people, "in real life," too.
Maura goes on to say that she has friends who "could be called plump" and that she's "not some size-ist jerk." She says she knows that it can be difficult for "truly heavy people" to "psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down" because she's spoken to some guy at her gym about it. And then she gives us some words of wisdom regarding how to go about losing weight, which includes walking more. Really, Maura? After you say you feel uncomfortable watching an overweight person walk across a room you're going to tell them to walk more? Overweight people are just supposed to forget that there are judgmental people like you in the world who don't want to see them walking and walk anyways because you say so? No one is going to take your "YOU CAN DO IT!" seriously after reading the first part of your article. If you want to encourage people to lose weight being judgmental towards them is not the way to do it.
I'm calling for an apology from Maura Kelly for writing such filth and from Marie Claire for publishing it. Until then, I will not purchase a Marie Claire magazine and I urge all of my readers to do the same. Let's let Marie Claire know that we want to read articles about real things.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Boo at the Zoo!
On Saturday morning a friend and I took our kids to Boo at the Zoo. She's moving to Edmonton and she's leaving on Friday so she won't be here for Halloween and we wanted to get some Halloween pictures of our kids together.
I wasn't sure how the day was going to go because Pierce is so young and I didn't know if he'd get much out of it. Austin is 11 months older than Pierce, so I knew he'd have a blast, but it ended up being fun for all four of us! The kids were so cute in their costumes and because they were having a Halloween event they had a bunch of trick or treating stations set up all over the Kids' Zoo.
Here are a few pics of our adventures. Austin dressed up as a dragon and Pierce was, of course, a giraffe!
Here are the boys in their strollers all ready to go into the zoo!
The boys looking at bunny rabbits at the Kids' Zoo. Austin totally swung his leg over and before either of us could get to him (we were two feet away max) he was on the other side of the fence!
Our two hatchlings!
Pierce playing a game at one of the Trick or Treating stations. He was supposed to pull a worm out of the hat, but he was more interested in grabbing his prize!
We ran into another giraffe at the zoo!
But the dragon will always be this giraffe's best friend! (I die at the cuteness of this picture every time I see it. Kristin and I collectively have about 20 shots of this because we were just shooting away non-stop.)
We had to stop and visit the giraffes, of course!
Pierce and Momma taking a walk at the zoo together.
And eventually, since we spent four hours at the zoo and missed nap time, we had a little of this.
Followed by this.
I wasn't sure how the day was going to go because Pierce is so young and I didn't know if he'd get much out of it. Austin is 11 months older than Pierce, so I knew he'd have a blast, but it ended up being fun for all four of us! The kids were so cute in their costumes and because they were having a Halloween event they had a bunch of trick or treating stations set up all over the Kids' Zoo.
Here are a few pics of our adventures. Austin dressed up as a dragon and Pierce was, of course, a giraffe!
Here are the boys in their strollers all ready to go into the zoo!
The boys looking at bunny rabbits at the Kids' Zoo. Austin totally swung his leg over and before either of us could get to him (we were two feet away max) he was on the other side of the fence!
Our two hatchlings!
Pierce playing a game at one of the Trick or Treating stations. He was supposed to pull a worm out of the hat, but he was more interested in grabbing his prize!
We ran into another giraffe at the zoo!
But the dragon will always be this giraffe's best friend! (I die at the cuteness of this picture every time I see it. Kristin and I collectively have about 20 shots of this because we were just shooting away non-stop.)
We had to stop and visit the giraffes, of course!
Pierce and Momma taking a walk at the zoo together.
And eventually, since we spent four hours at the zoo and missed nap time, we had a little of this.
Followed by this.
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