Menu Plan Monday - August 15 - 21

I have decided to get back into the swing of things with menu planning for the week. I think it is one of the most important things you can do to save money around your house because a) you only need to grocery shop once per week & b) it puts an end to that creeping "What am I going to make for dinner?!" feeling that starts around 3pm when I realize that we're going to have to eat in about 3 hours, and there isn't any food in the house.

Laura from I'm an Organizing Junkie (this place is like my heaven) hosts "Menu Planning Monday" on her blog each (you guessed it) Monday & I have decided to join in. The banner at the top of this post links you to her site.

To make menu planning easier, I have decided to do one of each of the following each week:

Meatless - This is pretty self explanatory - a meal containing no meat
Casserole - Any casserole-type dish
Crockpot - Any meal made in the crockpot
Guilt-free - A prepackaged meal on a day when I am tired or don't feel like cooking
From the freezer - A recipe using up an ingredient that is in our freezer
Something new - A brand new recipe! (so if you have a recipe you'd like me to try, let me know!)
Wildcard - One of the categories will be repeated each week, since there are only 6 of them

Without further ado, here is our menu for the week of August 15 to the 21: (We are having dinner at Andrew's parents house on Wednesday, so there are only 6 meals here. I will decide each day which meal I will make that night.)

1. Chili & Cheese Macaroni (Something New)

2. Turkey Meatloaf (From the Freezer)

3. Tuna Casserole - This is my own recipe, which I plan to share with you later this week! (Casserole)

4. Crockpot BBQ Chicken (Crockpot)

5. Spaghetti (Meatless)

6. Broccoli & cheese stuffed chicken (Guilt-free)

Trying to Domesticate Myself

About a week ago, I was inspired by a real life friend (I know, right? I'm just as surprised as you are!) to bake some cookies. We had a playdate at her house earlier in the day & she was baking cookies & so when I got home & wanted something sweet I knew that there was a relatively easy peanut butter cookie recipe on the back of the Kraft peanut butter jar. Except...it wasn't on my jar of Kraft natural peanut butter. So I headed over to Happy or Hungry (which is an amazing food/lifestyle blog that you should all check out because Lindsey is very inspirational, non-judgmental & also because she & I went to high school together!) because I remembered she posted the recipe there.

I was a bit worried about how the cookies would turn out because the consistency of natural peanut butter is quite different from "regular" (not that I think peanut butter with additives in it is regular, but you know) peanut butter, but I figured how much difference could it make?

It makes a lot of difference, actually. A lot.

My poor cookies. First, when I took them out of the oven when they should've been ready the centers were still raw. So I put them in for another 5 minutes. When they came out that time, they were fully cooked, but incredibly crumbly. Like, I couldn't even lift them off the baking sheet. & they smelled burned even though there was no sign of burned cookies anywhere. It was strange.

They only tasted okay. After they'd cooled I brought the baking sheet to the couch with me & peeled off parts of cookie to eat. They weren't great. & most of them ended up in the garbage.

Another fail in the kitchen for me. So disappointing!

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes, when I have time to sit & think, I wonder...

Did I really have PPD, or did I just have a hard time adjusting to motherhood?

I have been considering typing out this post for a long time, but I have been worried about what people would think.

The thing that causes me to wonder this is that I feel like I am doing really well off of my medication. And I wonder if, maybe I didn't really need that medication. Maybe I needed to adjust to becoming a mom faster.

It was difficult for me to admit to myself that I might have had PPD at the beginning because I took the "depression" part of that literally & thought that I would be sad & cry all the time. But instead I was incredibly irritable. Anything would set me off, even the littlest things.

And I know that irritability is a symptom of PPD. And I know that I most definitely exhibited signs of PPA.

So maybe I did have PPD & PPA. Or maybe I didn't & I just needed to adjust to motherhood better.

Or maybe it's that I really am recovered & I don't want to admit it to myself. I have been struggling with the idea of recovery for some time now. I don't know what scares me so much about it. I am feeling a lot better. There are some days when I feel like I need my meds, but most days I feel good. Of course, I get frustrated with Pierce sometimes, but what parent doesn't get frustrated with their kids sometimes?

Whatever the case is, I still don't think I'm ready to admit that I'm recovered.

Gardening

I don't have a garden. I don't actually have a yard at all. We live in a third floor condo so we have a small balcony off our living room & the balcony is covered & faces East which has always made it difficult for me to grow plants out there. One year I fell in love with Gerber Daisies & decided to ignore the "full sun" requirement of the tag & just go for it. Within a week they were dead.
The next year I went shopping with my mom & grandma & my mom suggested that I try a window box, so I did. I put some petunias in it because I have grown them before & they are relatively easy to maintain. They thrived in the little rectangular window box hanging over the side of our railing & I think they did so because they were pushed onto the other side of the roof of our balcony.

I decided to do it again this year, since it makes me feel good to have something green & pretty outside my door. We went shopping on Monday for flowers & Pierce was SO interested in all the flowers & plants everywhere. He wanted to touch them all & we kept having to remind him, "Be nice to the flowers!" (this is how we taught him to pet the cat nicely). So I thought it would be fun to have Pierce help me out with transferring the flowers I bought into the window box & it turned out to be a hilarious experience.

Walking out to the balcony. The cat, George, decided to help us, too.

Of course, the first thing Pierce goes for is the dirt.

Which he then, naturally, places in his mouth.

There was something important happening across the street for him to show me.

At this point, I had to explain to him that toys don't grow like that.

Here he is petting the flowers & I am trying to encourage him to be nice.

Yes, I used Pierce's toy shovel. Problem?

This picture does not do justice to the dirt that was on the bottom of his feet by the time we made it inside.

Love the expression on his face here!

It was all worth it in the end...the flowers turned out so pretty.

In Two Days I Will Be a Working Momma

Please excuse me while I go throw up now.

In all seriousness, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I feel like getting out of the house, meeting new people & having some adult conversation will be good for me. I am hoping I will feel refreshed after getting out of the house rather than staring at the same 4 walls all day long. And I think that will make me a better, more patient mom.

At least, that is how I foresee it going. I am sure that when Andrew drops me off (we only have the one car) at work on Friday morning (who starts work on a Friday?!) that I will tear up when I say good bye to that little boy who has only known his Momma as "Momma" since his little life started almost 20 short months ago. I will feel awful getting out of the car & walking away, picturing him in my mind watching my back as I walk away from the car & wondering where his Momma is going.

I know that this experience will be good for both of us. It will be good for me to finally go back to work & feel as though I'm contributing more to the household. (side note: I have been applying for jobs since before Christmas & this is the only position I have ever been offered. Who was it that said the recession was over?) It will be good for Pierce to realize that Momma can't always be with him & he will be okay on his own for a little while. & also that his Momma will always come back.

But it is still scary for me. & I wish I could explain it to Pierce or even just let him know that on Friday I won't be there during the day, because I'm sure that watching me walk away from him on Friday morning will be scary for him as well.

Why I Haven't Been Around

I am so sorry that I haven't been around lately.

To be honest, I just needed to pull back from the blog a little. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to share freely about my experience with postpartum depression. I really really wanted to vomit on the pages of this blog about how, more than once, I would put Pierce in his crib & get in the shower with the water on full blast so that I could no longer hear his screams. How I would sit there & cry wishing that I could be the type of mother he needed me to be. But just as his cries terrified me, so did sharing those moments here. I was terrified to hear that I was a bad mom & there are some people that read this blog who I wasn't ready to share that information with. (Hi Mom!)

The fact that I was unable to share as candidly as I wanted to was the reason that I needed to take a step back from the blog. I wanted my voice to help bring light to the subject & make other women who were suffering in silence feel more comfortable about getting help for themselves. The reason I got help was because another blogger started posting about her experience with Postpartum Depression & because I saw her participating in #ppdchat on Twitter (Mondays at 1pm & 8:30pm EST) and joined in. So I wanted to pay it forward to other women.

But not feeling safe enough to post what I wanted to post made me feel like crap. So I had to stop posting altogether because I needed to find ways to strengthen my feelings towards myself. I already had enough reasons to feel like crap & if I could eliminate any of them, I was going to.

So, I am sorry that I have been gone for so long, but I am happy to say that I am feeling more like myself lately & that is without the assistance of medication. And I am happy to get back to posting more often!

A post for Kim

I have been trying to write this post all day long. I don't know what to write. Last night when a friend called I just started sobbing & verbal diarrhea-ed out the situation to her. I was worried she'd think I was lame because you're an internet friend, but she totally understood why I was upset.

We have never met in person, but I care about you. I want you to be safe, and happy, and pain-free. And it irritates me every time I see you hurting that all I can do is send thoughts and virtual hugs. I wish I could be there to support you in person, but I can't.

Please know that even though we're far apart, I am here for you. Anytime. All the time. Thinking about you & sending you virtual hugs until I can do something more.