Gardening

I don't have a garden. I don't actually have a yard at all. We live in a third floor condo so we have a small balcony off our living room & the balcony is covered & faces East which has always made it difficult for me to grow plants out there. One year I fell in love with Gerber Daisies & decided to ignore the "full sun" requirement of the tag & just go for it. Within a week they were dead.
The next year I went shopping with my mom & grandma & my mom suggested that I try a window box, so I did. I put some petunias in it because I have grown them before & they are relatively easy to maintain. They thrived in the little rectangular window box hanging over the side of our railing & I think they did so because they were pushed onto the other side of the roof of our balcony.

I decided to do it again this year, since it makes me feel good to have something green & pretty outside my door. We went shopping on Monday for flowers & Pierce was SO interested in all the flowers & plants everywhere. He wanted to touch them all & we kept having to remind him, "Be nice to the flowers!" (this is how we taught him to pet the cat nicely). So I thought it would be fun to have Pierce help me out with transferring the flowers I bought into the window box & it turned out to be a hilarious experience.

Walking out to the balcony. The cat, George, decided to help us, too.

Of course, the first thing Pierce goes for is the dirt.

Which he then, naturally, places in his mouth.

There was something important happening across the street for him to show me.

At this point, I had to explain to him that toys don't grow like that.

Here he is petting the flowers & I am trying to encourage him to be nice.

Yes, I used Pierce's toy shovel. Problem?

This picture does not do justice to the dirt that was on the bottom of his feet by the time we made it inside.

Love the expression on his face here!

It was all worth it in the end...the flowers turned out so pretty.

In Two Days I Will Be a Working Momma

Please excuse me while I go throw up now.

In all seriousness, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I feel like getting out of the house, meeting new people & having some adult conversation will be good for me. I am hoping I will feel refreshed after getting out of the house rather than staring at the same 4 walls all day long. And I think that will make me a better, more patient mom.

At least, that is how I foresee it going. I am sure that when Andrew drops me off (we only have the one car) at work on Friday morning (who starts work on a Friday?!) that I will tear up when I say good bye to that little boy who has only known his Momma as "Momma" since his little life started almost 20 short months ago. I will feel awful getting out of the car & walking away, picturing him in my mind watching my back as I walk away from the car & wondering where his Momma is going.

I know that this experience will be good for both of us. It will be good for me to finally go back to work & feel as though I'm contributing more to the household. (side note: I have been applying for jobs since before Christmas & this is the only position I have ever been offered. Who was it that said the recession was over?) It will be good for Pierce to realize that Momma can't always be with him & he will be okay on his own for a little while. & also that his Momma will always come back.

But it is still scary for me. & I wish I could explain it to Pierce or even just let him know that on Friday I won't be there during the day, because I'm sure that watching me walk away from him on Friday morning will be scary for him as well.

Why I Haven't Been Around

I am so sorry that I haven't been around lately.

To be honest, I just needed to pull back from the blog a little. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to share freely about my experience with postpartum depression. I really really wanted to vomit on the pages of this blog about how, more than once, I would put Pierce in his crib & get in the shower with the water on full blast so that I could no longer hear his screams. How I would sit there & cry wishing that I could be the type of mother he needed me to be. But just as his cries terrified me, so did sharing those moments here. I was terrified to hear that I was a bad mom & there are some people that read this blog who I wasn't ready to share that information with. (Hi Mom!)

The fact that I was unable to share as candidly as I wanted to was the reason that I needed to take a step back from the blog. I wanted my voice to help bring light to the subject & make other women who were suffering in silence feel more comfortable about getting help for themselves. The reason I got help was because another blogger started posting about her experience with Postpartum Depression & because I saw her participating in #ppdchat on Twitter (Mondays at 1pm & 8:30pm EST) and joined in. So I wanted to pay it forward to other women.

But not feeling safe enough to post what I wanted to post made me feel like crap. So I had to stop posting altogether because I needed to find ways to strengthen my feelings towards myself. I already had enough reasons to feel like crap & if I could eliminate any of them, I was going to.

So, I am sorry that I have been gone for so long, but I am happy to say that I am feeling more like myself lately & that is without the assistance of medication. And I am happy to get back to posting more often!

A post for Kim

I have been trying to write this post all day long. I don't know what to write. Last night when a friend called I just started sobbing & verbal diarrhea-ed out the situation to her. I was worried she'd think I was lame because you're an internet friend, but she totally understood why I was upset.

We have never met in person, but I care about you. I want you to be safe, and happy, and pain-free. And it irritates me every time I see you hurting that all I can do is send thoughts and virtual hugs. I wish I could be there to support you in person, but I can't.

Please know that even though we're far apart, I am here for you. Anytime. All the time. Thinking about you & sending you virtual hugs until I can do something more.

Confession: I really want to be like June Cleaver

I really do. I want my house to be sparkling clean. I want my kid to never eat processed food. I want to have a hot meal on the table at 6:00 every night. I want to be involved in the community and the school when Pierce is old enough to go. And I want to do all of this while looking completely put together and beautiful.

Is this normal? I can't explain my desire to be this way other than I just want to be a really good wife and mother. I want to be the type of mom who bakes cookies, not buys them. The type of mom whose kids always eat the recommended amount of vegetables, or maybe not eats them, but always has them on their plates. I want to be the kind of wife who doesn't rely on her husband for anything other than to "bring home the bacon," do the manly jobs around the house like take out the garbage, shovel the driveway (when we have one), mow the lawn (when we have one...ugh...stupid condo) and open the jars whose lids are screwed on ridiculously tight.

I mean, I know that this is an unattainable goal. At least, I think it is. Is it? Is there anyone out there who can honestly say that they are a real life June Cleaver? I'm not trying to make fun, I'm honestly asking. If you are her (she?) will you please step forward and tell me a) how you do it; and b) if you ever get any time to yourself or to sleep.

Am I setting myself up for failure?

Crankopotamus

I want a crankopotamus for Christmas,
Only a crankopotoamus will do!
No whine-odiles, or fuss-aluffagusses,
I only like crankopotamuses.
And crankopotamuses like me too!

It's my birthday...

...and I'll post if I want to. Which I don't.

The end!