I am not worthy

That's the way I feel a lot about Pierce. I feel like I am not worthy of him. I feel like he deserves a mom that's better than me. He is such an amazing boy. What did I do to deserve him? I don't know...probably nothing.

It's hard to feel this way and I don't know if my PPD contributes to it or if this is something that all mothers feel at one point in time or another. Or maybe I'm just crazy which, if you knew me, you'd agree is entirely possible.

That's another hard thing about having PPD. I don't know which feelings or thoughts considered "normal" and which are the disease talking. All I know is that I feel like he deserves more than me. Like I can never be enough for him. Like I'm not doing a good enough job as his mother.

But I do believe that we were meant for each other. Somewhere, somehow the Universe has it all planned out for us. Maybe he's here to make me a better person. Maybe I'm here to make him a better person?

I learn from him each day. About me. About him. About life. And maybe that's all the plan is after all.

Sharing My Voice

Today I am over at The Nut House sharing my post about coming out with PPD. The Nut House is a blog run by Lisa, she refers to herself as Hazel Nut and her husband, Wall Nut. She has five children: Honey Nut, Wee Nut, Little Nut Nut, E Nut and Wing Nut. I love the creativity with the aliases she uses! I really wish I was that creative. This is coming from someone whose blog is called "Who I Am" really original, you can tell I put a lot of though into it. I actually did put a lot of thought into it, but if I had known that "Who I Am" was such a popular blog name, I would've chosen something different. But that is another blog post altogether and I am getting completely off track.

Today I'm featured at The Nut House. You can go read it here. I have to admit I was a little surprised when she introduced me as, "PPD Survivor Devon." I don't know that I'd refer to myself as a survivor. I mean, I suppose I am surviving, but some days it's just barely. And I am FAR from recovery. The word "survivor" kind of makes me sound like I'm an expert, and I don't want to give the wrong impression here, I am not an expert on much of anything, much less PPD. Anyway, I'll let the post speak for itself, go check it out and while you're there check out the rest of Lisa's site, too! There's some great reading as well as some great info on her blog!

I can't believe I haven't done this yet!

So just before Kristin left we came up with the great idea to do a traveling pants type of thing, but with a scarf, which means it's completely different and there is no copyright infringement. (Here that, lawyers? None! If I say it, that makes it so.) We thought it would be a fun thing to blog about so we started a blog, http://thetravelingscarf.blogspot.com/.

If you read our About Us page you'll get all the background information on it and right now there are only 6 posts on the whole blog so it should be pretty easy for you to catch up on what's going on, if you want to.

Kristin and I hope you enjoy it!

I'm not going to lie...

...not having Kristin around sucks. Even when we text each other all day long, it's just not the same. But I think I am doing better without her around. Today is a week since she left and I can't believe it's only been that long. It seems like a lifetime.

On Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. Andrew said he was going to go to his parent's house to work the next day (he works from home but finds it easier to go somewhere quiet to work, like the library or his parent's house) and I started to panic. Any other day it would've been fine because I would've texted Kristin when I got up and we'd make a plan to hang out later that day. But I knew I couldn't do that. If I wanted to get out of the house it was going to have to be by myself, and I rarely go out by myself unless I have some specific errand to run. I also had a bunch of housework that needed to get done and I was feeling overwhelmed.

I texted Kristin and told her what was going on and luckily she stepped right in and took over. She calmed me down by telling me to make a plan by deciding what needed to be done and scheduling it. (I never actually wrote down a schedule for the day, but don't tell her that, okay?) Then she followed it up by texting me all throughout the day asking what I was doing, giving me ideas of what I could do next and cheering me on.

I know this sounds like she was holding my hand through housework and she was. I'm not going to deny it. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I freak out over things that others wouldn't. I've had anxiety all my life so PPA is not new to me, but each little anxious moment I have is as real as the first one I ever had. And sometimes I do need a little hand-holding and cheering on as I do laundry to push me to continue doing it and show me that I CAN do this without my husband home, and without my BFF here. Because some days all of this can seem a little daunting.

But yesterday, I kicked my house's ass. And I've got my boxing gloves on to do it again today.