I'm not going to lie...

...not having Kristin around sucks. Even when we text each other all day long, it's just not the same. But I think I am doing better without her around. Today is a week since she left and I can't believe it's only been that long. It seems like a lifetime.

On Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. Andrew said he was going to go to his parent's house to work the next day (he works from home but finds it easier to go somewhere quiet to work, like the library or his parent's house) and I started to panic. Any other day it would've been fine because I would've texted Kristin when I got up and we'd make a plan to hang out later that day. But I knew I couldn't do that. If I wanted to get out of the house it was going to have to be by myself, and I rarely go out by myself unless I have some specific errand to run. I also had a bunch of housework that needed to get done and I was feeling overwhelmed.

I texted Kristin and told her what was going on and luckily she stepped right in and took over. She calmed me down by telling me to make a plan by deciding what needed to be done and scheduling it. (I never actually wrote down a schedule for the day, but don't tell her that, okay?) Then she followed it up by texting me all throughout the day asking what I was doing, giving me ideas of what I could do next and cheering me on.

I know this sounds like she was holding my hand through housework and she was. I'm not going to deny it. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I freak out over things that others wouldn't. I've had anxiety all my life so PPA is not new to me, but each little anxious moment I have is as real as the first one I ever had. And sometimes I do need a little hand-holding and cheering on as I do laundry to push me to continue doing it and show me that I CAN do this without my husband home, and without my BFF here. Because some days all of this can seem a little daunting.

But yesterday, I kicked my house's ass. And I've got my boxing gloves on to do it again today.

Every mother should watch this video at least once!

I found this video on Facebook when one of my friends shared it. I watched it and immediately loved it! This is something that I feel like I should watch every morning before Pierce gets up for the day. There are some great things to keep in mind in this video. My personal favourite is "Nobody really knows what they're doing." That's a good thought to keep in mind for any situation, really.

So...if you could go back to tell yourself something before you had your first child what would it be? Mine would be, "Having postpartum depression doesn't make you a bad mom, or a bad person." and "As much as he is a gift to you, YOU are a gift to HIM!"

Sometimes you just need a break

On Friday morning I received a message from my mother (via Twitter, no less, what is this world coming to?) saying that I should use one of my "New Mommy" coupons that she gave to me at my baby shower last summer.

At first I decided that I wanted to use my coupon for free babysitting so I could go get myself a pedicure, relax and even read a magazine or a chapter from a book. It's the little things, people. I realized, however, that I would much rather have a nap instead. I haven't been feeling well for the last little while and it's no use to have a nap while Pierce is napping because, more often than not, he only sleeps for 30 minutes and I wake up to him screaming. You can imagine that sleeping for less than 30 minutes and waking up to my baby screaming his head off might leave me feeling less rested than I felt before I fell asleep.

So I packed Pierce up with all his toys and his play pen and took him over to my mom's house where I handed him to her, grabbed myself a can of coke and my magazine and snuggled into her bed. She dug out some chocolate from her closet for me and I sat in her bed reading and eating chocolate for half an hour when I decided I was ready to fall asleep, so I lay down (after ensuring I had finished all of my chocolate, of course!) and slept for one and a half glorious hours.

When I woke up I lay there for a few minutes just enjoying being in bed by myself without worrying about Pierce and my mom came into the room to let me know that he was looking for food. I got up and nursed him while my Mom told me about all the stuff they'd done while I was sleeping. They had gone for a walk to the liquor store and back and they'd played together with the toys I'd brought.

It was perfect for both of us. Some bonding time for Pierce with his grandma and some me time for well, me! Sometimes that's what you need as a mom, though. You need to be away from your child and miss them a little bit. It makes you a better mom to have time for yourself.

Weekend to End Women's Cancers

My friend who is doing the Weekend to End Women's Cancers with me came over today to discuss our fundraising efforts. We've decided to hold a Jack & Jill type fundraiser. We'll sell tickets and then people can come play games, drink booze, have some snacks and buy tickets for door prizes. We're going to host a few of those at home parties so that we can use the host dollars to buy items for the door prizes.

I'm very excited about this. Planning these things will give me something to look forward to and work towards. It's nice to have something like that sometimes, you know? Not that being on maternity leave isn't rewarding on its own, of course. I love spending time with my little boy and I am not looking forward to my maternity leave ending. I also have never liked working for a living and I feel like being a Mom is what I was made to do. But it's also nice to have something that is just yours. That you're doing for yourself because you enjoy it, not because someone else wants you to, or because someone is paying you to.

It's funny how when you first have a baby you feel completely overwhelmed, wonder how it's possible that anyone chooses to do this and more importantly, why you chose to do this! But it doesn't take long to get yourself into a groove and realize that you really can do this. Eventually you get to go back to your normal self and you get to do things for yourself, which previously seemed impossible. I think it's important to start to do things for yourself as soon as it is reasonable to do so after you have a baby.