Saturday, December 18, 2010

Confession: I really want to be like June Cleaver



I really do. I want my house to be sparkling clean. I want my kid to never eat processed food. I want to have a hot meal on the table at 6:00 every night. I want to be involved in the community and the school when Pierce is old enough to go. And I want to do all of this while looking completely put together and beautiful.

Is this normal? I can't explain my desire to be this way other than I just want to be a really good wife and mother. I want to be the type of mom who bakes cookies, not buys them. The type of mom whose kids always eat the recommended amount of vegetables, or maybe not eats them, but always has them on their plates. I want to be the kind of wife who doesn't rely on her husband for anything other than to "bring home the bacon," do the manly jobs around the house like take out the garbage, shovel the driveway (when we have one), mow the lawn (when we have one...ugh...stupid condo) and open the jars whose lids are screwed on ridiculously tight.

I mean, I know that this is an unattainable goal. At least, I think it is. Is it? Is there anyone out there who can honestly say that they are a real life June Cleaver? I'm not trying to make fun, I'm honestly asking. If you are her (she?) will you please step forward and tell me a) how you do it; and b) if you ever get any time to yourself or to sleep.

Am I setting myself up for failure?

Friday, December 10, 2010

Crankopotamus

I want a crankopotamus for Christmas,
Only a crankopotoamus will do!
No whine-odiles, or fuss-aluffagusses,
I only like crankopotamuses.
And crankopotamuses like me too!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The 12 Step Program to Liking Snow

Have a baby.

Seriously.

Every year for as long as I can remember I have HATED snow since it is basically a tangible object that represented that which I hated most: cold and winter. Even when I was little, when it was supposed to be outside in my snow suit throwing snowballs and rolling up snowmen, my parents had to force me to go outside in the winter. I wanted to stay inside all the time.

The last time I remember looking forward to the end of summer was the summer of 2009 when I was hugely pregnant and hot and uncomfortable every minute of my life. (I hated being pregnant. I really did.) Of course, the weather getting cooler was the first thing I looked forward to, the second being my due date.

Pierce was born Oct 2, so he kind of missed his first winter. But this winter is going to be different. This winter, even though he can't walk and he doesn't really play with his toys so much as get into everything he's not supposed to, he'll play in the snow. At least once!

I don't know how it'll go. I'm hoping that if it's a fail, it'll only be a regular fail and not an epic one. But I honestly can not wait to get outside, sit him down in the snow and watch him play with it. He will most likely try to eat it at some point, but that's okay. I can't wait to watch him experience snow. Because, really, in Canada, all we have is Tim Horton's, hockey, and snow. And even you yanks have Tim Horton's now, so it's really just hockey and snow these days.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Drunkard and the Water Bed - An Aesop's Fables of getting drunk

I was 18 - just one year shy of the legal drinking age in Ontario - but that didn't stop me. The plan was to go to a friend's house and have pizza and drinks. There were four of us, so two went to the store to get the alcohol - I gave them my money and asked them to get me a pack of 4 Smirnoff Ice and I went with another girl to get the pizza.

We went back to her parent's house who, by the way, were totally cool with us drinking at their house, and we sat on the back porch eating pizza and drinking.

We need to pause here for a moment so that I can explain. I know 18 is kind of old to be getting drunk for the first time, but my parents had never made alcohol a big deal in my house. I could have a sip or a whole glass of the wine they were drinking with dinner whenever I wanted. So, naturally, being allowed to have alcohol whenever I wanted made the idea of sneaking out to get drunk kind of lame. My parents have my first birthday party on VHS where my Dad hands me his bottle of beer and I quickly grab it and take a large swig. Also, I'm told that when I was 3 my Dad made some wine in our basement (wow, that sounds super legit!) and when it was ready my parents brought me down to help them taste it. I took a sip and immediately exclaimed, "That's not wine!" Ahhh...a wine connoisseur at the tender age of 3...

Anyway, we're on her back porch eating pizza and drinking. I finished one of my bottles of Smirnoff Ice and went into the house to get myself some more. It was not until then that I realized how drunk I already was. (It's always when you try to do something normal, like use the bathroom, that your realize, "Holy crap, I am really drunk. How did that happen?") I went in the door, into the kitchen and grabbed myself another bottle from the fridge and on the way out my friend's dog accosted me. I pretty much just stood there giggling until he left me alone and I could walk again.

By the time I was halfway through my second bottle I was pissed. It started to rain so we decided to go inside and I remember not wanting to go in because I felt too drunk to walk. Somehow we ended up inside, and I am guessing that I needed a lot of help. I don't remember a lot of what happened inside the house because I had finished the last half of my drink and was pretty trashed at that point. (I know, two drinks, cheap date or what?) I remember having my head down on the table and my friend's step dad asked me if I needed to lie down and I nodded my head, so he told me to go lie down on my friend's bed. Her WATER bed.

I went in a lay down and immediately passed out. I don't know how long it was until I woke up, but when I woke up the bottom half of my legs were hanging off the bed, which was quite uncomfortable, so I pulled myself up more on the bed, which of course caused the water in her water bed to make the bed rock. I just lay there hoping it would stop, wishing it would stop. Just then my friend opened her bedroom door and said, "How are you doing in here, sweetie!?" And just as she popped her head in the room I leaned over the side of the bed and threw up. I remember hearing her say "NOOOOOO!" and then I think they got a cloth to wipe off my face and I ended up sleeping on her bedroom floor, instead of the bed, that night.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is why, if you are going to get drunk off of two drinks, you should NOT pass out on a water bed.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I'm Frustrated with Blogging

I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately. I'm feeling frustrated. I can't think of anything to write about and when I do, I can't make it seem interesting like anyone would actually want to read about it.

The truth is, my life is not that interesting. Shocking, I know. But the other truth is that I am afraid. I'm afraid to divulge too much information on my blog about myself and my family. It's scary.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that I want to share here. I want to share the intimate details of my PPD with you all. It was through another mom blogger that I realized I had PPD myself and I would love to pay it forward by writing about my struggles here, but...I'm scared.

And I know I've promised in the past that I'd be writing about our debt load but once again, I'm scared. It's embarrassing to put that out there for the world to see. We've been so selfish and irresponsible with our money. Plus, my mom knows about and reads this blog. (Hi Mom!)

I'm going to try and put in a real effort again. I'm going to go back and look at what I was writing about when I was writing more often. Maybe that will help me.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Road to Recovery

I pulled into the hospital parking lot. I was expecting the hospital to be much bigger than it was. I found a parking spot, purchased a ticket and went through the doors that said Main Entrance. The first thing I saw was a big desk with a sign that read Information. "Good," I thought to myself, "I can ask there where I'm supposed to go." When I reached the information desk there was no one sitting at it. Disappointed, I looked around to see the sign for Patient Registration. I walked in and sat down. There was a box on a table across from the waiting area with a sign that requested that I put my health card in it. I wasn't too sure about that, but I reached into my purse to pull out my health card.

Before I could get out my health card, a woman approached me. She was small with a dark complexion, dark eyes and dark hair. She wore glasses. She smiled at me and asked if I needed to register. I said yes and she asked me to follow her. I followed her to a little cubicle big enough for a small desk with a computer, a computer chair and two chairs facing the desk. It took me a second to decide which chair to sit in, but I finally sat down in the chair closest to the entrance to the cubicle. The woman and I made small talk. We chatted about the weather; it was raining heavily. I made some sort of remark that I don't remember to which she responded "You don't wear glasses." I remember thinking to myself, "How do you know I don't wear contacts?" She asked me regular questions like my telephone numbers, address, next of kin and emergency contact. Then she got up from her desk and brought me a blue card attached with a paper clip to a sheet of paper. She told me to come with her and she'd show me where to go. She took me through a short, narrow hall and on the other side was a wider, longer hall. She pointed to the end of the hall and told me to get on the blue elevator. I hesitated. "There will be signs for two north when I get off the elevator?" I asked. "Yes, there must be signs," she replied. I wasn't very confident with that answer, but I said thank you and went on my way.

I walked down the long hall toward the blue elevator. There were three of them at the end of the hall and one was already open. I stepped on and pushed the button for the second floor. The elevator door began to close and just as it was almost completely, shut, it quickly opened again. I looked out to see who had pushed the button to get on, but there was no one there. The door began to shut again, but once more, it stopped just as it was about to close and reopened. It did this one more time as I gripped the handle on the wall inside the elevator. I am terribly claustrophobic and the thought of being trapped in an elevator scares the shit out of me. Finally the door closed all the way and it began to move. It made a dinging noise as it arrived on the second floor and the door opened.

I stepped off the elevator and looked around. I saw the sign pointing towards 2 North and I walked in that direction, through a set of doors to a unit with a very large desk in the middle and hallways on both sides leading to many doors. There was a woman standing on the same side of the desk as me fiddling with some Christmas decorations. I stood there for a minute unsure if I was in the right place. Finally I took a step toward the woman and said, "Hello," to her. She turned and smiled at me. "Are you here to see Dr. Emelianova?" she asked. I said yes and expressed relief that I was in the right place. She took the sheet of paper with the blue card attached to it and motioned towards a small doorway with a sign that said Waiting Room on it. "You can have a seat," she said.

I went into the waiting room and looked around. There were about ten chairs in the small room. There was also a massive flat screen television attached to the wall. I was surprised that the room was so small. I took a seat in one of the comfier looking chairs and I kind of settled in. I was used to waiting around for doctors. I took out my phone to update my twitter.

Not long after I sat down a woman appeared through the doorway. She said hello to me and introduced herself as Dr. Emelianova. I shook her hand and stood up. She asked me to follow her to her office and I did. She led me quickly down the hall to her office. Her office wasn't far, but she walked so fast that I lagged behind.

The appointment went well. I like the doctor. She's easy to talk to. She took asked me about my history of depression and we went all through it. She took a lot of notes. We didn't get to finish everything in the allotted time so we booked another appointment for next week. I'm looking forward to it and I'm looking forward to getting better.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am not a man

*telephone rings*

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi, can I please speak to Devon?

Me: Speaking.

Caller: Oh, hi Devon, it's [name withheld] from [company withheld]. How are you?

Me: I'm good thanks. How are you?

Caller: I'm good, but I think I should be speaking to a man.

Me: Uhhh...nope. This is Devon.

Caller: Oh, uh...okay. So I'm calling about your interview.

Pause for some backstory: I had an "interview" for a company which I later found out to be a door to door sales pyramid scheme. I didn't go, and I didn't bother to call and cancel. I know, I'm a rebel like that.

Me: Oh, right, I'm sorry...[about to go into why I didn't show up]

Caller: That's okay! Is he there?

Me: Uhh...no...this is me, Devon.

Caller: Oh uh okay. Then why did you say sorry?

Me: Because I didn't show up for my interview...[starting to get really annoyed now]

Caller: Oh yea no, that's no problem...uhhh...

Me: *click*

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I am not worthy

That's the way I feel a lot about Pierce. I feel like I am not worthy of him. I feel like he deserves a mom that's better than me. He is such an amazing boy. What did I do to deserve him? I don't know...probably nothing.

It's hard to feel this way and I don't know if my PPD contributes to it or if this is something that all mothers feel at one point in time or another. Or maybe I'm just crazy which, if you knew me, you'd agree is entirely possible.

That's another hard thing about having PPD. I don't know which feelings or thoughts considered "normal" and which are the disease talking. All I know is that I feel like he deserves more than me. Like I can never be enough for him. Like I'm not doing a good enough job as his mother.

But I do believe that we were meant for each other. Somewhere, somehow the Universe has it all planned out for us. Maybe he's here to make me a better person. Maybe I'm here to make him a better person?

I learn from him each day. About me. About him. About life. And maybe that's all the plan is after all.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sharing My Voice

Today I am over at The Nut House sharing my post about coming out with PPD. The Nut House is a blog run by Lisa, she refers to herself as Hazel Nut and her husband, Wall Nut. She has five children: Honey Nut, Wee Nut, Little Nut Nut, E Nut and Wing Nut. I love the creativity with the aliases she uses! I really wish I was that creative. This is coming from someone whose blog is called "Who I Am" really original, you can tell I put a lot of though into it. I actually did put a lot of thought into it, but if I had known that "Who I Am" was such a popular blog name, I would've chosen something different. But that is another blog post altogether and I am getting completely off track.

Today I'm featured at The Nut House. You can go read it here. I have to admit I was a little surprised when she introduced me as, "PPD Survivor Devon." I don't know that I'd refer to myself as a survivor. I mean, I suppose I am surviving, but some days it's just barely. And I am FAR from recovery. The word "survivor" kind of makes me sound like I'm an expert, and I don't want to give the wrong impression here, I am not an expert on much of anything, much less PPD. Anyway, I'll let the post speak for itself, go check it out and while you're there check out the rest of Lisa's site, too! There's some great reading as well as some great info on her blog!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I can't believe I haven't done this yet!

So just before Kristin left we came up with the great idea to do a traveling pants type of thing, but with a scarf, which means it's completely different and there is no copyright infringement. (Here that, lawyers? None! If I say it, that makes it so.) We thought it would be a fun thing to blog about so we started a blog, http://thetravelingscarf.blogspot.com/.

If you read our About Us page you'll get all the background information on it and right now there are only 6 posts on the whole blog so it should be pretty easy for you to catch up on what's going on, if you want to.

Kristin and I hope you enjoy it!

Friday, November 5, 2010

I'm not going to lie...

...not having Kristin around sucks. Even when we text each other all day long, it's just not the same. But I think I am doing better without her around. Today is a week since she left and I can't believe it's only been that long. It seems like a lifetime.

On Wednesday night I had a bit of a breakdown. Andrew said he was going to go to his parent's house to work the next day (he works from home but finds it easier to go somewhere quiet to work, like the library or his parent's house) and I started to panic. Any other day it would've been fine because I would've texted Kristin when I got up and we'd make a plan to hang out later that day. But I knew I couldn't do that. If I wanted to get out of the house it was going to have to be by myself, and I rarely go out by myself unless I have some specific errand to run. I also had a bunch of housework that needed to get done and I was feeling overwhelmed.

I texted Kristin and told her what was going on and luckily she stepped right in and took over. She calmed me down by telling me to make a plan by deciding what needed to be done and scheduling it. (I never actually wrote down a schedule for the day, but don't tell her that, okay?) Then she followed it up by texting me all throughout the day asking what I was doing, giving me ideas of what I could do next and cheering me on.

I know this sounds like she was holding my hand through housework and she was. I'm not going to deny it. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I freak out over things that others wouldn't. I've had anxiety all my life so PPA is not new to me, but each little anxious moment I have is as real as the first one I ever had. And sometimes I do need a little hand-holding and cheering on as I do laundry to push me to continue doing it and show me that I CAN do this without my husband home, and without my BFF here. Because some days all of this can seem a little daunting.

But yesterday, I kicked my house's ass. And I've got my boxing gloves on to do it again today.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

When You Lose Someone

I suppose I'm not really losing someone, but that's what it feels like. My BFF is moving over 3,000 kilometers away tomorrow morning.

I feel very differently about it at different times. Like right now, I feel accepting of it. I mean, I know she's moving because that's where her husband can find work and she wants to be with him. Of course, it's nice for their 2 year old son to be with him as well. He is, after all, his Daddy.

But other times I just wish I could stop it from happening. Like I'm having a really horrible nightmare and I'm trying to wake myself up from it, but nothing I do works. I want to crawl into bed and cry thinking about how I won't be able to just meet her at McDonald's when I need to get out of the house and eat junk food because Pierce is driving me up the wall. I won't always be able to call her to talk if I'm having an issue I need to work out. I know that she'll be there for me like she always has, but she won't really be there for me, you know?

And I'm not the type of person who has a billion friends. I'll be the first to admit that I don't get along with people very well. So for me to find someone like her is a pretty big deal. We're so exactly the same and I can't help but wonder what fate has in store for me with this. Maybe I'm being taught to branch out and be more accepting of other people because there isn't always going to be people who I can have the female equivalent of a bromance with? And I know, I know, this is not really about me, but I kind of feel like people come in and out of your life for a reason. I do not believe in God, but I believe in fate, if that makes sense. But that's a whole other blog post. I guess for right now I'm trying not to focus so much on how sad I am about the situation, but what I'm supposed to learn. And I think that's healthy, right?

Also, if you want to see how truly nerdy Kristin and I are, we've started a joint blog here. You should check out our awesomeness. Because we ooze it, even when we are 3,000 kms apart.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I'm calling for a boycott on Marie Claire magazine

Due to an article published on October 25, 2010 by Maura Kelly.

If you haven't already read the article, let me give you the highlights here:

It's an article about whether or not overweight couples should kiss or make out in private to spare the rest of us seeing it. No, I'm not joking.

Some of my favourite lines from the article:

"Yes, anorexia is sick, but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny. No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly (from the CBS sitcom of the same name) can be healthy."

Really, Maura? Are you really that uneducated? It is outrageous of you to compare these characters (who are played by real life people, by the way, and I bet they even have feelings, too, unlike you) to models. Part of a model's job is to make her body look a way in which clothing will be appealing to those who want to buy it. Society dictates that skinny is sexy. So models are skinny as part of their job. These people, who you are referring to as the characters they play in a sitcom for no other reason than to make yourself feel better about slamming them for the way their bodies look, I'm sure, are not employed by the fashion industry and therefore do not depend on their bodies to land jobs and make money. In fact, I would be willing to hazard a guess that their size has probably given them a lot of set backs in their lives because of judgmental people like you.

"So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room - just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."

Maura, I get more and more disgusted with you as I read your article. You are comparing an overweight person to a drunkard or a drug addict? You'd feel the same way about watching a sober overweight person walk across a room as you would about a drunk person doing the same thing, or a drug addict slumped over in a chair? Alcoholism and addiction are diseases. Not that I'm saying that obesity is 100% healthy because I know it's not. But this is like comparing apples to oranges. And let me remind you once again that the people who play these characters on tv are people, "in real life," too.

Maura goes on to say that she has friends who "could be called plump" and that she's "not some size-ist jerk." She says she knows that it can be difficult for "truly heavy people" to "psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down" because she's spoken to some guy at her gym about it. And then she gives us some words of wisdom regarding how to go about losing weight, which includes walking more. Really, Maura? After you say you feel uncomfortable watching an overweight person walk across a room you're going to tell them to walk more? Overweight people are just supposed to forget that there are judgmental people like you in the world who don't want to see them walking and walk anyways because you say so? No one is going to take your "YOU CAN DO IT!" seriously after reading the first part of your article. If you want to encourage people to lose weight being judgmental towards them is not the way to do it.

I'm calling for an apology from Maura Kelly for writing such filth and from Marie Claire for publishing it. Until then, I will not purchase a Marie Claire magazine and I urge all of my readers to do the same. Let's let Marie Claire know that we want to read articles about real things.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Boo at the Zoo!

On Saturday morning a friend and I took our kids to Boo at the Zoo. She's moving to Edmonton and she's leaving on Friday so she won't be here for Halloween and we wanted to get some Halloween pictures of our kids together.

I wasn't sure how the day was going to go because Pierce is so young and I didn't know if he'd get much out of it. Austin is 11 months older than Pierce, so I knew he'd have a blast, but it ended up being fun for all four of us! The kids were so cute in their costumes and because they were having a Halloween event they had a bunch of trick or treating stations set up all over the Kids' Zoo.

Here are a few pics of our adventures. Austin dressed up as a dragon and Pierce was, of course, a giraffe!

Here are the boys in their strollers all ready to go into the zoo!

The boys looking at bunny rabbits at the Kids' Zoo. Austin totally swung his leg over and before either of us could get to him (we were two feet away max) he was on the other side of the fence!

Our two hatchlings!

Pierce playing a game at one of the Trick or Treating stations. He was supposed to pull a worm out of the hat, but he was more interested in grabbing his prize!

We ran into another giraffe at the zoo!

But the dragon will always be this giraffe's best friend! (I die at the cuteness of this picture every time I see it. Kristin and I collectively have about 20 shots of this because we were just shooting away non-stop.)

We had to stop and visit the giraffes, of course!

Pierce and Momma taking a walk at the zoo together.

And eventually, since we spent four hours at the zoo and missed nap time, we had a little of this.

Followed by this.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pierce lost weight

Pierce had his 12 month check up and immunizations on the 14th and we found out he lost 2oz from when he was 9 months old. The doctor is referring us to a pediatrician to follow his weight for a little while.

I have to admit, I was freaking out while discussing it with the doctor, but I had also been suspecting that he was losing weight. We moved up to size 5 diapers a little while ago and lately I've been wondering if we should switch back to size 4s because the 5s aren't fitting him as snug as I think they should be.

I felt like a horrible mom. I know that the reason he lost weight is because I wasn't feeding him enough. I guess I just didn't know how much I was supposed to be feeding him and since I was feeding him in conjunction with breastfeeding I figured he was getting enough. Obviously that was not the case.

One thing that kind of irked me was that my doctor asked me if I was still breastfeeding and when I told her yes, we were still breastfeeding four times per day, she said that it's possible that there's something wrong with my milk and that's why he wasn't gaining weight. She guessed that it's possible he was getting all his hydration from my milk and that's why he wasn't drinking his homogenized milk which has a lot of fat in it and suggested that I stop breastfeeding. I was a little annoyed at that advice because I know that the World Health Organization as well as Health Canada recommend breastfeeding at least until the child is two years of age. I've decided to just ignore her advice, though, after speaking with some of my twitter friends. :)

So lately I've been making a conscious effort to basically just throw food at him. I've been making him tuna salad sandwiches since he really seems to like tuna and that's pretty much the only meat he'll eat other than chicken. He's been having a big bowl of mixed grains cereal with fruit and some grapes as well as a yogurt in the morning for breakfast. Then I just spread some cheerios on his tray and let him eat as many or as little as he wants while he finishes his milk. He's also had some toast with peanut butter (no allergies here, yay!) and I've steamed a few pieces of broccoli in the microwave for him as well. I guess I should probably just be glad that my kid likes broccoli.

Some other ideas I've had of food for him are English muffin pizzas and quesadillas. I haven't put them into execution yet, though. Mostly because we don't have the stuff to make them around the house and I haven't gone grocery shopping yet.

I'm running out of ideas, though. The kid can't eat tuna salad every day. Well, I suppose he could, but I know I wouldn't want to. So what are your quick and easy kid-friendly meals? I'd prefer something I can make quickly when it is time to feed him, rather than something I have to make in a big batch and then heat up later.

Please share with me, I'm a little freaked out about all of this and would really like some input.

P.S. He didn't handle his immunizations very well. It was the first time they gave them to him in his arms and he wailed. Poor thing!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I shaved my head for Ashley!

My BFF's cousin, Ashley has Hodgkins Lymphoma so a bunch of us got together last night and shaved our heads with her. It was a GREAT time. I wasn't sure I was going to end up doing it, but I did and I'm so glad! I love my new look! Here are some pics!

This is my "before" picture:


And here is Ashley shaving my head:

I was a little scared as you can tell by the look on my face in these pictures. I was worried it would turn out ugly or that I had a misshapen head underneath all my hair, but I think it turned out really well!

Here is the finished product:

KAPOW!

I think it looks great, and I can't stop touching it. I had a shower when I got home and it was seriously the fastest shower I've ever had! Although I don't really like that the shampoo doesn't foam up anymore. It's strange, I don't really feel like I've got my head clean without foamy soap. Also my head was really cold both in the shower and when I got out. That kinda sucks. I need to find myself a cute toque for winter. (I think you Americans call it a sock hat?)

Monday, October 18, 2010

ScrapFest!

On Wednesday I found out that I had won a contest I entered on Durham Region Kids for two VIP passes to ScrapFest as well as one class of my choice, and I was so excited. My BFF and I had both entered with the agreement that we would take each other if we won, so as soon as I got the email congratulating me on my win, I called her to let her know we'd be going. We were both squealing with excitement and the squealing continued until we left the show Saturday afternoon. We both had so much fun and left on a total high.

Here are some pictures of the fun we had at the show:

Here are Kristin (right) and I (left) super excited to be at ScrapFest!


We took Vicki Boutin's Easy, Detailed, Expert class. We got to do three different layouts, one easy, one detailed and one expert. It was a great class and Vicki is full of energy and so knowledgeable! This is a picture of the easy layout we created.

And this is the detailed layout! Isn't it pretty? Beautiful for fall! We didn't get pictures of our expert layout because, well, I didn't do it, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with everything we'd done and Kristin just cut everything out in class and took it home to assemble it. It's really beautiful, though. I would totally recommend taking a class by Vicki if you get the chance!

Almost every booth at the show had a (free!) make and take for us to do. We came home with eight of them total, and we didn't even do them all! Above I'm making a Halloween themed tag to go on a goodie bag filled with candy and be handed out to trick or treaters.

And here I am making a Christmas card.

And here are all eight make and takes that we made at the show. Top to bottom, left to right: memory box, Christmas album, Christmas ornament, Christmas gift tag, Merry Christmas card, snowman Christmas card, Halloween goodie bag tag, Christmas gift tag.

Pretty cool, huh? I can't wait until the next one!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I'm Thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for these days, even when it seems the exact opposite.

I have a beautiful baby (ok, he's not a baby anymore, but he's MY baby, damnit!) boy who is growing and learning and thriving each day. Even when I am having a bad day and I don't feel like getting out of bed, he is the best part of my day. He gives me a reason to live, a reason to wake up in the morning. I don't believe in God, but I truly have been blessed to have him in my life. I am truly grateful for him, and words cannot accurately express my gratitude.

And though it makes me sad that he doesn't seem to want to cuddle as much these days now that he is more mobile, it makes the rare cuddle that I do get that much more special. When I'm finished changing his diaper and he sits up to wrap his little arms around my shoulders in a hug, I cherish that moment and the feeling of us sitting there, in each other's arms. When I'm nursing him and rocking him to sleep and he unlatches to let me know that he's ready for bed, I pick him up, hug his tiny sleepy body to my chest and hold him tight for just a few minutes longer before I have to put him in his crib and close the door.

I am thankful for my husband who has stuck through this roller coaster in our lives that has been my PPD. Even though sometimes he doesn't do the dishes in as timely a manner as I'd like, or he plays too many video games, he's always there when I need him. It's been a hard year for both of us since Pierce has been born but I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that makes me so happy.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm it!

I've been tagged in a game of blog tag by Kimberly at All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something. I love Kimberly because not only is she Canadian, but she is Chuck Norris's mistress. Also, she has been a great help to me in dealing with everything I'm going through re ppd & ppa. And did I mention she's Canadian?

I've never done anything like this before, so here goes nothing. I have to answer these questions and tag 4 more people.

4 things in my handbag:
  • About a million receipts. Most of them are from Michael's
  • Two Peek-a-Blocks as "emergency toys" for when Pierce (or I) needs to be distracted.
  • An emergency supply of wipes
  • My sunglasses. Because I am terrified of getting crows feet from squinting in the sun. I wear them even when the level of brightness outside is questionable. Yes, I'm only 26, but I've had this fear since high school.
4 things in/on my desk: (I don't have a desk, so I'm using my coffee table instead.)
  • A pack of gum that was emptied on the floor by my BFF's 2 year old.
  • A package of Cheerios
  • About 100 packages of batteries
  • A textbook from 3 years ago when I went to school to be a legal assistant
4 favourite things in my bedroom:
  • My bed
  • My book of angsty poetry that I wrote in high school (I should think about sharing some on here if I'm brave enough)
  • My wedding dress (a purple cocktail dress with a plunging neckline...we eloped)
  • My pillow
4 things I always wanted to do (but haven't yet)
  • Go backpacking through Europe
  • Start an Etsy shop
  • Do the Weekend to End Breast Cancer
  • Donate blood
4 things I enjoy very much at the moment
  • My Fuze Refresh Peach Mango juice
  • That the sweater I'm wearing is not covered in cat hair
  • That Pierce is so enthralled by the Wot Wots and I can sit in relative silence while typing this post
  • That I am uploading Pierce's birthday pictures. I can't wait to see them!
4 songs I can't get outta my head:
  • Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
  • The theme from Wonder Pets (This is sewious!)
  • Turn Me On - Ke$ha
  • All My Lovin' - The Beatles (I sing this to Pierce when I put him down to sleep for naps/bedtime)
4 things you don't know about me:
  • I am EXTREMELY anal. I think if I talked to my doctor about it she'd likely diagnose me with OCD
  • I never realized how much I love giraffes until I had a baby
  • I want to move to Edmonton
  • I hate the cold (which is, of course, contradictory to the point above)
Now I get to tag 4 more bloggers. Hmm...let's see

Kristin at Wipe Your Paws

Nicci at Changing the Universe

Alena at Charmingly Chandler

Abby at Life at the Poles

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Pierce's Birthday

Pierce turned 1 on Saturday. I was surprised about how well I dealt with it. Here are some pictures from the giraffe-themed party we threw for him.

The spread. We served macaroni & cheese, egg salad, tuna salad and bologna & cheese sandwiches, fruit and veggies and deviled eggs.

A close up of the banner. I made this myself using a friend's Cricut. I need to get myself one of those things!

I cut all the sandwiches into giraffe shapes using a cookie cutter and I made the labels with my friend's Cricut as well.

I bought plain brown cups and glued the yellow giraffe cut outs to them.

Here is the birthday boy enjoying an egg salad sandwich!

This is one of the only good "opening presents" pictures we got. Pierce was starting to get cranky and didn't want to sit still. Can you blame him?

I love his expression in this picture! The cake smash didn't get quite as messy as I'd hoped, but it was still fun to watch. Oh and just in case you were wondering, smooshed up yellow and brown icing looks exactly like baby poo. You're welcome!

"Oh hello. Was I supposed to share?" (I made two of the exact same cakes, one for him to smash and one for the rest of us to eat. Unfortunately I didn't get a good picture of them before they were devoured.)

I love this picture of the three of us.

And this picture of Pierce with my mom (his Baba) is great, too!

Me with my toddler!! (sniff, sniff!)


"Please don't let me float away, Momma!"

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pierce Sharing Popcorn with his Momma

I hear babies crying

I'm wondering if my meds are making me worse instead of better.

On Tuesday I had a great day and that was after I hadn't taken my meds for a few days. Not on purpose, I legitimately forgot. Yesterday I took them with my lunch and last night I was feeling pretty sad. It also could've been the events of the day that had me feeling that way, though.

I've also noticed a new symptom of my PPD. I hear babies crying. Like, all the time. Sometimes it's an actual noise that I hear and misinterpret as a baby crying, like my cat meowing or someone outside yelling. Other times there is no noise at all, like when I'm in the shower. It's very unnerving and I'm definitely going to talk to someone about it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It's Days Like These When I Feel Like Myself Again

Today we're having friends and their son over for dinner. We're babysitting their son for them so they can go out to a movie and have a night to themselves.

This is the first time in a LONG time that I have been motivated to do so much around the house. On Sunday I took a pork roast out of the freezer to defrost. Yesterday I roasted garlic (something I've never done before) to use as a rub on the roast. I also did two loads of laundry (even folded!) and scooped the kitty litter.

Today I've cleaned the entire bathroom: mirror, sink, counter, toilet & bathtub. I also swept and mopped the bathroom AND kitchen floors. AND I did all that while taking care of Pierce all by myself. Although I did sleep in until 9:30-ish this morning, so my husband took care of him then. Later I need to do some vacuuming and go to the grocery store. And writing something in my blog other than song lyrics is another accomplishment.

I feel like myself today. I feel...content. I wouldn't go so far as to say happy, but definitely content. And very proud. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I also know that I've come a long way from where I've been.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Whataya Want From Me?

By Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I'm afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don't give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

(So hey) just don't give up
I'm workin it out
Please don't give in,
I won't let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, i won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Have you ever felt like just running away?

That's the way I'm feeling right now. I just want to pack us up in the car and leave. Go. I can't really discuss what is making me feel this way, but it's one of those things where you have to do the right thing in the situation because it's the right thing to do. But you still fantasize about doing the wrong thing and wish and pray and hope and try to bargain for it to be the right thing.

I wish I could ignore what was "right" for once and do the wrong thing just because I wanted to.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Every mother should watch this video at least once!



I found this video on Facebook when one of my friends shared it. I watched it and immediately loved it! This is something that I feel like I should watch every morning before Pierce gets up for the day. There are some great things to keep in mind in this video. My personal favourite is "Nobody really knows what they're doing." That's a good thought to keep in mind for any situation, really.

So...if you could go back to tell yourself something before you had your first child what would it be? Mine would be, "Having postpartum depression doesn't make you a bad mom, or a bad person." and "As much as he is a gift to you, YOU are a gift to HIM!"

Friday, August 27, 2010

My turning point

The thing about having PPD and PPA is that they work together against you. Remember when you were in school and two bullies would team up, one would hold you down while the other one stole your lunch money? It's the same kind of thing.

My PPD is characterized by intrusive thoughts. My PPA is characterized by obsessively worrying about things. So, for instance I'll have an intrusive thought about something bad happening to my son (PPD), and then I'll obsess over it and replay it over and over again in my mind with the situation becoming worse and worse each time. (PPA)

I can remember when Pierce was little(er) I'd often think to myself, "I have PPD," but then I'd push that thought out of my mind. I didn't want to be sick. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my son and being a mother and I thought that if I didn't think about it, it would go away.

I remember my turning, point, though. I went to a baby-themed trade show in the city, about an hour drive away from home. I went with friends and we shared a ride. My anxiety was crazy that day, I think from being in such a crowded place. I get claustrophobic in situations like that.

We stayed the entire day and I was so glad to be leaving when we finally decided to. At this point, Pierce was still young so I had him in his travel system with the car seat on top of the stroller. I picked up the stroller and put him into the back of the van, tightened the seat belt around the car seat and we were ready to go. When we had been on the road for about 20 minutes, I noticed Pierce sitting up and that's when I realized that I hadn't strapped him into the car seat. I felt horrible and immediately buckled him in. And then I started thinking back to when I had lifted the car seat off of the stroller and how he wasn't buckled in then and easily could've just fallen out of the car seat onto the pavement. Then I thought about how horrible that would've been, if he had landed on the hard pavement like that. Then I replayed it in my mind except this time I saw him land hard on the ground. Then again, except this time he landed on his face. And again, he landed on his face and this time there was blood everywhere. And again, he landed on his face and there was blood everywhere and this time a car ran him over.

I was disgusted with myself and had to shout at myself in my head to stop it. I had to grip the seat I was sitting in to keep myself from thinking about it over and over again. This was not something I could just brush off and stop thinking about. I had to work to stop thinking about it. And that's when I finally realized and accepted the fact that this was not normal and that I needed help.

Around the same time Blair of Heir to Blair was posting about her trials with the same disease. I sent her an email and we chatted back and forth a bit. I expressed to her that I needed help but that I also worried that Children's Aid would come and take my child away. I'd rather suffer in silence than be without my baby. I started participating in #ppdchat and that's when I found unxpctdblessing and postpartumprogr and learned to ask my doctor about her disclosure policy before I told her what I'd been feeling.

So I did. I went to my doctor and told her that I had these awful thoughts, and she was so nice about it. She told me that it's more common than I thought and she sees a lot of women with the same issues. It was nice to hear that it was common, but I still felt awful, ashamed and embarrassed. I mean, what kind of mother thinks those things about their child? I worried that people would think I didn't love my son enough, or that I was lazy or stupid or wished that I had never had him. (It actually pained me to even type that just now.) NONE of those things are true of me and postpartum mood disorders are not characterized by these things, either. I love my son more than anything in the world and we have an amazing bond despite my disease. I'm not lazy or stupid and I could never wish him away. Yes I do need breaks from time to time, but that's normal. It makes me human. And in a time where I sometimes feel like an alien has taken over my body, it's nice to feel human again.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thankful on Thursday

I had a really bad day on Tuesday and needed to get out of the house yesterday, so a friend suggested we meet at the park by the lake in the morning. It was wonderful, just what I needed. We sat on a blanket and talked while the kids ate breakfast and played. We pushed them on the swings and we took them to the splash pad. Neither of them liked the splash pad very much, the water was very cold. The weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and the breeze was cool and nice because we were by the water. It wasn't humid at all.

We also ran into another friend who had just had a baby and got to meet her little girl. She was a week old and so cute! I almost died.

This week I am thankful for friends, beautiful days at the park, and cute little bundles that make me want to go home and have another child right away!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Alright, I'm coming out with it...

I have PPD. Postpartum Depression. And PPA. Postpartum Anxiety.

There. I said it. It's out in the open now. I need it to be out in the open because I need somewhere to write about it, an outlet. And that outlet is here.

I've been on medication for anxiety and depression since before I got pregnant. I stayed on it throughout my pregnancy and 4 months after Pierce was born I expressed to my doctor that I didn't feel normal. She asked me what, specifically, I was feeling and I told her. She tripled my medication and lately I've actually started to feel a lot better. Just last night I was thinking to myself that I haven't had a bad day in a long time and maybe I'm ready to start weaning myself down to a more regular dose of my meds.

But today I had a bad day. It started out well, but went downhill when Pierce only napped for an hour instead of two this afternoon. This boy needs a lot of sleep and when he doesn't get it, it makes him cranky. He wouldn't go back down, and I thought he would, so after I got him calmed down, I went to bed myself, only to be woken up not much after I went to bed. He was whiney and I was exhausted, which is a bad mixture for me.

Thank God I had already planned meals for this week or else I don't think I would've had the energy to make dinner. But luckily the chicken was already defrosted in the kitchen sink and all I had to do was cut up a few carrots, cut off a few pieces of cauliflower and stick the chicken in the oven. I had planned to make rice as well, but that didn't happen. And I'm okay with that. After dinner my husband bathed Pierce so that I could chill on the couch for a minute and then I put him to bed. I am so glad that he's in bed now, and that doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me normal. I will be going to bed way early tonight.

This is not such a big surprise for those of you who follow me on Twitter since I have been participating in #ppdchat every Monday afternoon and evening for a while now. It has actually been VERY helpful and I would encourage anyone who even has the slightest inkling that they may have a postpartum mood disorder to join in Mondays at 1:00pm & 8:30pm EST. It was started by @unxpctdblessing who is freaking awesome.

So, there you go. I have PPD & PPA and I am no longer ashamed of it. I can talk about it. That's some pretty damn sweet progress if you don't mind me saying so!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Thankful on Thursday

I'm not going to make some excuse about where I've been. I just stopped posting. I'm sorry. I'm back now, but I can't promise that I will be posting with the same frequency as before.

What am I thankful for this week?

1. Finding a perfect day home for Pierce to go to when I go back to work. I have no qualms about the place we have chosen for Pierce, other than the fact that I wish he didn't have to go to daycare at all.

2. Loyal, caring, loving friends who have always been there for me when I need them and continue to be. I'm going through some confusing stuff lately and I'm so glad I've had friends to lean on and talk to when needed.

3. My awesome doctor who takes me seriously no matter how trivial my concerns are. Pierce was super fussy on Monday and on Tuesday morning his diaper was almost dry and the pee was brown, so I was worried he had a urinary tract infection and took him to the doctor. She checked him out and said that she thought that it was just his tooth bothering him and gave me 4 samples of baby Advil to take home. Did I mention how awesome she is?

What do you have to be thankful for this week?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Naps and Sleeping when Traveling with Baby

As you may remember from this post, we have a wedding to go to the first weekend of August and we're bringing Pierce with us. My last post discussed how we were dealing with food and this post I'll talk about naps and sleeping.

For the past little while, Pierce's sleep schedule has been messed up. I don't know why, but his usual schedule is as follows:
Wake-up: 7:30am
First nap: 9:00am - 10:30am
Second nap: 1:00pm - 3:00pm
Bedtime: 8:00pm
I'm hoping I can get him back on this schedule before we go to the wedding.

When we put him to sleep, we use music we have on a CD as well as on the laptop. This is convenient because we can play the same music for him in the car as well as at home.

The wedding is in Quebec, which is the next province to the East of us and it will take us about 5.5 hours of non-stop driving for us to get to our hotel in the city where the wedding is taking place. The wedding starts at 5pm, and we'll need to stop for lunch as well as time to get ready at the hotel. I'm planning on having us leave the house at 8:30 so that we can get on the road (and stop for breakfast, of course!) in time for Pierce to have his first nap of the day. We'll play his sleep music in the car during this time and when he wakes up at his usual time (fingers crossed!) we'll play fast paced music to keep him awake until noon when we stop for lunch. Maybe I'll sit in the back with him, too and play with him a bit so he doesn't get bored. After lunch we'll get back in the car with Pierce's sleep music playing so that he can have his second nap. I don't really have any doubt that this will work for us because it's worked before. This plan will hopefully get us to the hotel by 3:30, which will give us each enough time to get ready for the wedding as well as a few stops along the way for breastfeeding and diaper changes.

What I am worried about, however, is night time sleeping. When I booked the hotel reservation, they asked me if I wanted a crib and I said no because we're planning on bringing his Pack & Play with us for him to sleep in. I wasn't worried about this until recently when I tried to put him in the playpen at my parent's house and he woke up while I was putting him down. (It's a long way down and I can't keep him close to my body the way I can when I put him in his crib at home.) I'm trying to decide if I should call the hotel and tell them I've changed my mind about the crib. Maybe I should put Pierce in his playpen at home when he goes to sleep so that he gets used to it? The thought of putting my child in a crib used by many other children grosses me out a bit. I mean, I know they wash the sheets, but what about the rails of the crib? Kids put those in their mouths all the time, and really, I don't have any way of knowing how clean it is. Also, if we were to go with the hotel crib, I'd bring my own sheet for it. I just like to know that things that Pierce uses are clean and safe. I am far less concerned with cleanliness when it comes to me than I am with Pierce if that makes you think I'm less crazy.

I really hope he sleeps well at the hotel. I don't do well on little sleep. I get frustrated very easily. But I'm hoping that, at least if he doesn't sleep well during the night, he'll make up for it in the car on the way home the next day.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm Sad

One of my best friends is moving to Alberta, and I'm so sad!

Her husband has been out of work in this province for a while now. He actually went to Alberta for work a while ago and has only been back for a few months. He worked for part of that time and is now out of work without any prospects, so all three of them (they have an adorable son who is almost 2 years old) are packing up and leaving. Actually, he left on Friday morning and she is just here until the house sells and then they're going as well.

I'm so sad. I know it's what's best for them, but this is such a sucky situation. I'm going to miss her and her son so much. There were so many things coming up that I was looking forward to with her. Pierce's first birthday, her son's second birthday. I can't help but worry that I will never see her again. I know I more than likely will because they both have family in the area.

I'm trying to remain strong for her on this because I know that she's really upset about having to move and she doesn't need me to remind her how much it sucks.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Baby's Food when Traveling

We have a wedding to go to the first weekend of August and I've been nervous about how Pierce will do (he'll be coming with us) so I've started getting ready for our trip now. Last week I decided what we'd do for his food.

I'm planning on taking a small cooler with us so that we can bring his homemade food. I don't know what he'll be eating then because it's more than a month away, but last week I bought some glass containers to put his frozen food into. I'm planning on putting his separate individual meals in the different glass containers so that they can be heated in the same container they were transported in. It makes me nervous to heat foods in plastic containers because chemicals from the plastic can leech into the food, so I always heat Pierce's food in glass or ceramic bowls.

I'm hoping that the hotel we're staying at, as well as the venue where the wedding is being held, will be accommodating with heating his food for us. I'm sure they will be, but someone I spoke to told me that when she went on vacation with her kids she was told that it was restaurant policy not to heat foods that were not prepared at the restaurant. They did bring her some boiling water to heat the food in although it didn't work very well. Hopefully we won't run into any of those problems.

I didn't realize how traveling with a baby could be so stressful, there are so many different things to think about. This will be a series of posts as I get everything in order for our trip.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Meal Planning Monday

Here's what we're eating this week:

Monday: Spaghetti

Tuesday: Chicken Stir fry w/rice

Wednesday: Burgers & salad

Thursday: Pork chops w/veggies & rice

Friday: Tacos

Saturday: Chicken w/veggies & rice

Sunday: Salmon w/veggies & rice

Friday, July 9, 2010

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Due to some privacy issues that have recently come to my attention, I have changed the name that appears in my profile to Mrs. B. My husband will also only be referred to hereinafter as Mr. B.

Also, do you LOVE the new look of my blog?! I hope so, because I sure do. It's the work of mompreneur, Becca from Jumping Jax Designs. I love this girl! I placed my order and sent her the answers to her Blog Questionnaire on Friday afternoon and she emailed me back within half an hour to let me know that she was currently working on 7 other blogs, but that she'd be working on my order all weekend long despite having house guests. I got my proofs from her late on Tuesday night when I was up because I was too excited to see my design to sleep just happened to be on the computer. She was so helpful when I didn't quite like some elements of the designs she'd done and she was completely accommodating when I asked her to make specific changes. Her prices are also incredibly reasonable. People, I paid $10 for the header and button she designed for me!

So, seriously, if any of you have been thinking about getting a design for your blog, you NEED to talk to Becca.

Disclaimer: I was not in any way compensated for this review of Jumping Jax Designs. I decided to purchase the service and write about my experience with it here by myself. I did not know Becca before ordering from her.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Thankful on Thursday

This week I am thankful for air conditioning. Holy crap it has been hot around here. The temperature has been hovering in the high thirties, but with the humidity it's felt like low to mid forties around here.

On Monday I drove my sister in law to the airport and we don't have any air conditioning in our car. (Stupid move, it was about $50/month cheaper and we went with it.) Poor Pierce cried pretty much the entire ride home, which was about an hour. I felt so bad for him, but even the wind has been hot lately. We were supposed to visit a friend and her daughter for a play date on Tuesday, but I had to call it off because she lives an hour away and I didn't want to put Pierce through that again.

This insane heat wave is supposed to be over tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm not going to lie, I'm going a bit stir crazy trying to stay inside in the air conditioning for Pierce.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Nine Months

Dear Pierce,

Nine months. How did we get here already? I feel like just yesterday I was at the hospital, holding you in my arms, wondering what the hell I'd just gotten myself into, and now we're here. You are three months away from 1 year old, and I have 2.5 months left in my maternity leave.

You are learning so much right now. You are pulling yourself up to stand and still trying to figure out how to crawl. You can hang out for a while on your hands and knees, but when you try to make yourself go anywhere, you end up immediately on your belly. This frustrates you to no end, and of course, I have to come rescue you and put you right again. You have also lately started pushing yourself up on your hands and tip toes. I have often wondered lately if you'd stand independently or crawl first.

Very often when I rock you to sleep at night I sit and stare at you asleep in my arms and wonder what you'll be when you grow up. I can't predict the future, Pierce, but if you go after whatever it is you're meant to do in this life with as much perseverance as you've got trying to crawl right now, I know you will be amazing, AMAZING, at it.

You can do anything you decide, Pierce.

I love you,
Momma

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Happy Canada Day

Thursday was July 1 and July 1 in Canada means Canada Day, which of course, means fireworks.

I love fireworks, but maybe more than the actual fireworks, I love going to the park and socializing with everyone there, seeing old friends, making new ones, and eating greasy chip truck food.

I was especially excited for this year because it would be Pierce's first fireworks. Although I was worried that he would be afraid of them and cry. We got to the park and met my parents there. We each had something different to eat. My Dad had peameal on a bun, my mom had a burger, Mr. B had a sausage and I went across the street to order myself some wings and fries. They were delicious. There was also a funnel cake vendor so Mr. B and I shared one. It was delicious as well, but the $10 price tag wasn't so easy to swallow.

A little after 8:00 Pierce started getting fussy (8 is his usual bedtime) so Mr. B put him in the mei tai and bounced him to sleep. This was at around 8:30 or 8:45, the fireworks were due to start at 10:00 and I was sure that they'd wake him up.

We socialized a bit more and then the fireworks started. Pierce slept through the first half, which was a total surprise and then a particularly loud firework went off and he woke up, but he wasn't scared. I asked Mr. B to take Pierce out of the mei tai so that I could sit him on my lap and we oohed and ahhed at the fireworks until they were over with just a few little whimpers, but mostly smiles.

Stupidly, we forgot to bring our camera, so I don't have any pictures of the experience, but here's a picture of Pierce wearing his festive Canada flag bib.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Meal Planning Monday

Feel free to share your menu, or link to your Meal Planning Monday blog post in the comments below. I'd love to see everyone's menus. We could always use a little inspiration around here!

Monday: Chicken Spaghetti (a la Pioneer Woman)

Tuesday: On Tuesday I'm taking Pierce to a friend's house for a playdate with her daughter. Us Moms will have a little playdate of our own, too. I'm picturing us sitting around eating chips & salsa like the moms on the Tostito's commercial. So I'm making one of my go-to "I've had a busy day and don't have the energy to cook" meal: Egg Sandwiches.

Wednesday: Buffalo chicken nuggets with veggies

Thursday: Vegetable Stir Fry with Rice

Friday: Pizza & Movie Night

Saturday: Burgers and salad

Sunday: Salmon with steamed veggies and rice.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Please leave a message after the beep

Sorry I'm not here today. I'm over at Adventures in {Baby} Food with a review on The Nibbler by Nuby. Check me out here and have a good weekend. I'll be back again on Monday.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thankful on Thursday

This week I am thankful for family, namely my brother. My brother and I are six years apart in age and, although we didn't always get along well when we were growing up, we are really close now. I'm so lucky that I have such a great relationship with my brother. Even when my parents go away for a few days, we still get together just to hang out and watch movies.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I have a confession to make

We started using disposable diapers. There. I said it. And I don't know how I feel about it.

I mean, on one hand, the Bummis prefolds we were using were so easy to use and so much better for the environment. On the other hand, my child has diaper rash and the only thing that will help it is the disposables. Seriously. We can use all the diaper cream we want on his bum (someday he will kill me for writing about his bum on the internet) with the cloth diapers, but the rash doesn't go away. When we put disposable diapers on him we don't need to use diaper cream, the rash goes away.

I'm so conflicted by this decision. I mean, I don't want diapers to be in the landfills when my grandchildren's grandchildren are born, but I don't want my son to have diaper rash, either. We've been using Huggies because we used that brand when we were in the hospital and they were on sale when I went to buy them.

But I've been researching environmentally friendly diaper options and we'll be making the switch when we've used up the Huggies we have.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Free parenting advice...that I wanted!

Thanks to Tiffany at Bloggy Moms and Amy at Positive Parenting Solutions I was able to attend a free parenting seminar entitled "Get Kids to Listen without Reminding and Yelling" on Thursday evening.

I had a really rough day on Thursday and when I sat down on the couch after putting Pierce to bed I really wanted to just lie on the couch and stare at the television until it was time for me to go to bed. When I received the reminder email about 15 minutes before the presentation started I groaned. I did not want to attend. I did not want to have to listen actively and take notes. I almost didn't attend, but I talked myself into it by telling myself that I could always leave if I wanted to, but that I should go and at least give it a try.

I am so glad I attended. SO glad! While the topic was geared to older children rather than Pierce who is just 8 months, I felt like I learned some valuable tools to deal with misbehaviour when we get there. Amy spoke about the importance of belonging and significance in children's lives and how punishment has to do with blame, shame and pain (either physical or emotional). She explained why consequences are better than punishment. I even thought to myself, "Wow, I wish my parents had known this when I was growing up!"

Positive Parenting offers a comprehensive parenting course here and I am seriously considering taking it. The only thing that's holding me back is convincing my husband to allow me to spend the money. Maybe I'll wait until Pierce is a little older, but part of me wants to have these techniques in my back pocket so that when the time comes I'm fully prepared.

Anyways, I would definitely recommend the course, even though I haven't taken all of it myself. Amy does host some free webinars, so you can check those out and register for them here and you can even enroll to get email notifications of new free webinars coming up if you scroll to the bottom of that page.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Meal Planning Monday

Here's our menu for this week. What does yours look like?

Monday: Pork Chops in BBQ Sauce, veggies

Tuesday: Tacos

Wednesday: Spinach, hot peppers & goat cheese quiche with salad

Thursday: Shepherd's pie

Friday: Pizza & movie night

Saturday: Spaghetti

Sunday: Egg sandwiches & salad.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The earth shook!

I was sitting on the couch on Wednesday afternoon and all of a sudden I felt this weird sensation coming from the couch. At first I thought it was the cat scratching the couch, so I yelled, "George!" but then I heard him meow his, "What!? I'm just lying here minding my own business!" and I looked over at him on the other couch. At that point, my husband yelled down to me from his office, "Why is the whole house shaking?" and it made me realize that it wasn't just the couch, it was the whole house. Then I thought maybe someone in the building's washer load was off balance, but I didn't hear any banging that would come along with a clothes washer shaking the building. By the time we realized it had been an earthquake the shaking had stopped.

The epicenter of the earthquake was in Gracefield, a small town in Quebec where it was measured a 5.0 on the Richter scale. It was felt in southern and western Ontario as well as western Quebec and as far south as Ohio and as far east as Maine. The last time an earthquake of this magnitude was felt in this area was 1998.

Unfortunately, the earthquake was also felt in Pierce's bedroom where he was having a nap and it woke him up!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Thankful on Thursday

On Monday I spent the day at the hospital with a good friend who was having a miscarriage. She had an ultrasound appointment in the morning and then was required to hang out in the ER waiting room until the results came back. I met her at the hospital after her ultrasound and Pierce and I hung out with her for four hours until all her blood work had been done and the OB/GYN showed up. She was planning on going by herself, but I know that I would've wanted someone to talk to if it was me going through that, especially four hours of sitting around, so I was happy to go and keep her company.

It really made me realize how lucky I am to have such a healthy baby boy.

Please forgive the way I look in this picture, I hadn't slept in two days.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I am still mad at my birth experience

I had a c-section with Pierce. If you have read my birth story then you know all about it, but if not then I'll reiterate some of the details here.

I was 4 days past my due date. I was lying in bed when my husband made me laugh and I felt that popping feeling that women describe when their water breaks. We called the hospital and they had us come in. The confirmed that my water had broken, but when they put me on the monitor, I was having extremely mild contractions. I couldn't even feel them. So I had to be induced. My water had broken but my body was like, "Everything's fine, just relax." and the doctors were like, "Uh, no, this poses an infection risk, we need to get the baby out." and my body responded, "Fine, but I'm not doing any of the work." Awesome.

But wait...it gets better! After being induced and going into active labour we had gotten me to 6cm dilated and 80% effaced. Woohoo! Only 4cm and 20% left to go, right!? WRONG. I went from 6cm, 80% to 6cm 50%. Which means that not only was I not making progress, I was regressing.

So I had to have a c-section. My doctor says that it was a fit issue. Pierce just wouldn't fit. But regardless of that, I can't help feeling like my body failed me. Why didn't I go into labour on my own? Why did I have to be induced? I also blame myself. If I had gotten up and into different positions, maybe he would've fit. If I had been allowed to stay in the shower where I was very comfortable then maybe I would've been able to handle labour better. If I had been a better advocate for myself then maybe my labour and delivery would've gone the way I wanted it to.

I feel cheated out of the experience I've always dreamed of. I feel cheated that I only got to hold my baby after everyone else had because I was in recovery while my baby was elsewhere in the hospital. In my hospital room without me. Meeting the rest of his family when he hadn't had a chance to meet his Mama. I feel cheated out of the moment where the doctor catches the baby and puts him on his Mama's chest for her to touch and look at all over. The first time I saw my baby was when they slung him over the sheet for me to look at and I couldn't even see anything but his outline because the light was in my eyes. The first time I met him I could hardly see anything other than his eyes and nose. I so desperately wanted to reach out for him but my arms were attached to the operating table. My arms were tied down to the operating table. Pretty barbaric way to give birth if you ask me. When I finally got to hold my baby he was at least an hour old. And a picture of him had been put on Facebook already. My sister in law took a picture of him with her blackberry and posted it on Facebook for everyone to see. There are people I don't know who got a better look at my son after he was born than I did. People on the internet who I have never met and probably will never meet saw my son closer up than I did. I'm a little bitter about that.

Next time will be different. MUCH different. I am planning on hiring a doula for my next pregnancy so that I will have someone there to advocate for me when I'm in the throws of a contraction and unable to think clearly. I am planning a VBAC next time and I'm really hoping that it'll go the way I want.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Someone needs to apologize!

On Saturday afternoon Kim Kardashian tweeted the following:

"EWW Im at lunch,the woman at the table next 2 me is breast feeding her baby w no coverup then puts baby on the table and changes her diaper"

"
Misunderstood tweet-The woman had her boobs out at restraunt yest feeding then laid her on table and changed her w the food there.Unsanitary"

"
My sister breast feeds! Its a natural beautiful thing, there's nothing wrong w it, but she covers herself, not w her boobs exposed"

I am completely outraged. There is so much wrong with these statements that my mind is completely blown.

Some babies don't like to be covered up while eating. I covered up the first two times that I breastfed Pierce in public and then decided that it just wasn't worth it. He doesn't like it, h
e fights it then he gets hot, which makes me hot. Not to mention he was 6 days old and both of us were still trying to get the hang of this breastfeeding thing. I needed to be able to see the latch. Breastfeeding women shouldn't be expected to cover up. There is nothing to cover up. If they want to cover themselves for their own purposes then fine, but there is no reason to expect that a woman feeding her baby should use a cover.

I also take issue with the last statement. A breastfeeding woman does not have her "boobs exposed" any more than a woman wearing a low cut top such as in the picture on the left hand side of the screen. I have NEVER showed that much of either of my breasts when breastfeeding. When I breastfeed, I unhook my bra, and get my breast ready while it's still underneath my shirt, then lie my son down in front of it, pull my shirt up and latch him on. My nipple is exposed for maybe two seconds. And the top of my breast is covered with my shirt, the bottom with my son's head. The most exposed part of my body is actually my stomach where my shirt is pulled up.


Let us not forget that this is a woman (and I use the term loosely) who has posed for Playboy magazine. I'm sorry but any woman who has been featured in a magazine that is produced solely for the masturbatory pleasures of men has no right to tell women when they need to cover up. I don't have a problem with women posing for Playboy, I really don't. If you have the body and you want to be featured in a magazine like that, all the power to you. Really. But then don't make comments that women who are nourishing their children in the most healthy way possible need to cover up. You forfeit that right when you pose naked in an international magazine.

Just for good measure, I have included some pictures below of myself breastfeeding my son. Please feel free to compare them to the pictures posted here as well as 90% of the pictures that will show up if you do a Google Image search with the words "Kim Kardashian."