Friday, July 29, 2011

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes, when I have time to sit & think, I wonder...

Did I really have PPD, or did I just have a hard time adjusting to motherhood?

I have been considering typing out this post for a long time, but I have been worried about what people would think.

The thing that causes me to wonder this is that I feel like I am doing really well off of my medication. And I wonder if, maybe I didn't really need that medication. Maybe I needed to adjust to becoming a mom faster.

It was difficult for me to admit to myself that I might have had PPD at the beginning because I took the "depression" part of that literally & thought that I would be sad & cry all the time. But instead I was incredibly irritable. Anything would set me off, even the littlest things.

And I know that irritability is a symptom of PPD. And I know that I most definitely exhibited signs of PPA.

So maybe I did have PPD & PPA. Or maybe I didn't & I just needed to adjust to motherhood better.

Or maybe it's that I really am recovered & I don't want to admit it to myself. I have been struggling with the idea of recovery for some time now. I don't know what scares me so much about it. I am feeling a lot better. There are some days when I feel like I need my meds, but most days I feel good. Of course, I get frustrated with Pierce sometimes, but what parent doesn't get frustrated with their kids sometimes?

Whatever the case is, I still don't think I'm ready to admit that I'm recovered.


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