I have PPD. Postpartum Depression. And PPA. Postpartum Anxiety.
There. I said it. It's out in the open now. I need it to be out in the open because I need somewhere to write about it, an outlet. And that outlet is here.
I've been on medication for anxiety and depression since before I got pregnant. I stayed on it throughout my pregnancy and 4 months after Pierce was born I expressed to my doctor that I didn't feel normal. She asked me what, specifically, I was feeling and I told her. She tripled my medication and lately I've actually started to feel a lot better. Just last night I was thinking to myself that I haven't had a bad day in a long time and maybe I'm ready to start weaning myself down to a more regular dose of my meds.
But today I had a bad day. It started out well, but went downhill when Pierce only napped for an hour instead of two this afternoon. This boy needs a lot of sleep and when he doesn't get it, it makes him cranky. He wouldn't go back down, and I thought he would, so after I got him calmed down, I went to bed myself, only to be woken up not much after I went to bed. He was whiney and I was exhausted, which is a bad mixture for me.
Thank God I had already planned meals for this week or else I don't think I would've had the energy to make dinner. But luckily the chicken was already defrosted in the kitchen sink and all I had to do was cut up a few carrots, cut off a few pieces of cauliflower and stick the chicken in the oven. I had planned to make rice as well, but that didn't happen. And I'm okay with that. After dinner my husband bathed Pierce so that I could chill on the couch for a minute and then I put him to bed. I am so glad that he's in bed now, and that doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me normal. I will be going to bed way early tonight.
This is not such a big surprise for those of you who follow me on Twitter since I have been participating in #ppdchat every Monday afternoon and evening for a while now. It has actually been VERY helpful and I would encourage anyone who even has the slightest inkling that they may have a postpartum mood disorder to join in Mondays at 1:00pm & 8:30pm EST. It was started by @unxpctdblessing who is freaking awesome.
So, there you go. I have PPD & PPA and I am no longer ashamed of it. I can talk about it. That's some pretty damn sweet progress if you don't mind me saying so!