Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I am still mad at my birth experience

I had a c-section with Pierce. If you have read my birth story then you know all about it, but if not then I'll reiterate some of the details here.

I was 4 days past my due date. I was lying in bed when my husband made me laugh and I felt that popping feeling that women describe when their water breaks. We called the hospital and they had us come in. The confirmed that my water had broken, but when they put me on the monitor, I was having extremely mild contractions. I couldn't even feel them. So I had to be induced. My water had broken but my body was like, "Everything's fine, just relax." and the doctors were like, "Uh, no, this poses an infection risk, we need to get the baby out." and my body responded, "Fine, but I'm not doing any of the work." Awesome.

But gets better! After being induced and going into active labour we had gotten me to 6cm dilated and 80% effaced. Woohoo! Only 4cm and 20% left to go, right!? WRONG. I went from 6cm, 80% to 6cm 50%. Which means that not only was I not making progress, I was regressing.

So I had to have a c-section. My doctor says that it was a fit issue. Pierce just wouldn't fit. But regardless of that, I can't help feeling like my body failed me. Why didn't I go into labour on my own? Why did I have to be induced? I also blame myself. If I had gotten up and into different positions, maybe he would've fit. If I had been allowed to stay in the shower where I was very comfortable then maybe I would've been able to handle labour better. If I had been a better advocate for myself then maybe my labour and delivery would've gone the way I wanted it to.

I feel cheated out of the experience I've always dreamed of. I feel cheated that I only got to hold my baby after everyone else had because I was in recovery while my baby was elsewhere in the hospital. In my hospital room without me. Meeting the rest of his family when he hadn't had a chance to meet his Mama. I feel cheated out of the moment where the doctor catches the baby and puts him on his Mama's chest for her to touch and look at all over. The first time I saw my baby was when they slung him over the sheet for me to look at and I couldn't even see anything but his outline because the light was in my eyes. The first time I met him I could hardly see anything other than his eyes and nose. I so desperately wanted to reach out for him but my arms were attached to the operating table. My arms were tied down to the operating table. Pretty barbaric way to give birth if you ask me. When I finally got to hold my baby he was at least an hour old. And a picture of him had been put on Facebook already. My sister in law took a picture of him with her blackberry and posted it on Facebook for everyone to see. There are people I don't know who got a better look at my son after he was born than I did. People on the internet who I have never met and probably will never meet saw my son closer up than I did. I'm a little bitter about that.

Next time will be different. MUCH different. I am planning on hiring a doula for my next pregnancy so that I will have someone there to advocate for me when I'm in the throws of a contraction and unable to think clearly. I am planning a VBAC next time and I'm really hoping that it'll go the way I want.


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